Thursday, September 9, 2010

10 Pitch Entry #8: Sarah N. Fisk

Title: MIRANDA’S FIRE
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

When demons kidnap every adult Mage - including her mother - teen Fire Mage Miranda must confront a seductive ancient knowledge and partner with a young Holy Knight on a cross-country rescue mission.

10 comments:

  1. I like your premise and this pitch but I'm confused by a seductive ancient knowledge. What does this knowledge do? You've told me who your MC is and what she wants. You've given me how your story is unique, but I haven't a clue as to how a seductive ancient knowledge is standing in her way of her goal to rescue her mother and the Mages. Clarify that and it's perfect.

    Hope this helps. Good luck! :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Sarah - I loved your query pitch and premise.

    Perhaps change the 'and partner...' to 'while partnered with...'?

    I like 'seductive ancient knowledge' it makes me wonder how it seduces people, and makes me want to read the novel.

    This is a great log line.

    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your premise sounds exciting. I do agree with Janice on the replacement. The pitch runs into itself. Perhaps allow a break by changing what Janice suggested and maybe add a comma in there. Good job! It sounds like a fun read.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Since this is only one line, I'm not sure if you need to clarify the seductive ancient knowledge. You don't want your reader to be gasping for air, and I like the mystery of it here. But do make sure it's clear in your query.

    I'm sucky with one liners, but this sounds great.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't have anything to add beyond what others have said about breaking up the last part. This looks like a fantastic read. Nice job!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I like this premise a lot, but I have a couple issues with the phrasing. I think it could be tightened. For example, how do you confront knowledge? And how is that knowledge standing in the way of her goals? You use a lot of adjectives (I counted 9!) and I think that is making the logline murkier than necessary. Try cutting most of them and see if that helps.

    Also, I don't have a clear sense of the stakes for Miranda here. Sure, her mother has been kidnapped and we can infer that will have repercussions in her life, but those are just the outward stakes - what are the inward ones?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Like this a lot, but agree that you can't confront knowledge -- you can come to terms with it, accept it, etc., but it sounds like you are going around the issue a bit. Written like this, it also sounds as if the cross country trip has nothing to do with the knowledge. All three clauses need something to tie them together. Intriguing premise!

    Martina

    ReplyDelete
  8. hmmm...

    i don't know if this pitch does your story justice.

    just a few thoughts:

    - instead of saying "teen", maybe write out her age
    - try being a bit more concise -- there's no need to address all the various plot points or characters involved. a pitch is a simple line to pull readers in. keep it simple, straightforward. i also have no idea what "seductive ancient knowledge" means, and i have a feeling it's a term specific to your story -- something that will likely require explanation in the book. so if it will cause confusion to someone who hasn't read the story, i'd suggest leaving it out.
    - for something so short, maybe only focus on specific points of the plot -- for ex: instead of talking about how every adult Mage was captured, focusing only on the mother.

    i would rewrite this as: "When demons kidnap Miranda's Mage Mother, she must harness her own Fire strengths and head cross-country on a rescue mission with a young Holy Knight as her only companion."

    ... or something.

    you have an awesome premise, and SO MUCH potential. i think a little tightening up will make this pitch perfect.

    hehe.

    great work!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks everyone for you feedback! Based on the comments here, I took another stab at it. If you'd like to offer some last-minute feedback, I'd love to hear what you think!

    When demons kidnap her mother, sixteen-year-old Fire Mage Miranda must confront a seductive ancient evil, while partnered with a young Holy Knight on a cross-country rescue mission.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hello, dear! I think it's much improved! I'm wondering if it'd be a better sell if we knew if the knight and Miranda had romantic possibilities.

    ReplyDelete

Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)