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I think you can give a little more in this pitch. Including the Gods, maybe? Also, little ni-pick, but it sounds like her instructor is forbidden rather than a relationship with him being forbidden.
I'll admit. I'm an epic failure at the log line. :)I am confused to how this differs from a hook and would we be replacing the hook with a log line in the final query?
Hi Jen - You're not an epic fail, I think for a lot of us it's our first ever attempt at a log line. So, yay us:) We can only learn - and maybe cry - from the crits. ;)Looking back at your paragraph pitch I think the first sentence is great. 'There’s nothing like crushing on the hot and totally forbidden Daemon to take Alexandria’s mind off training to kill her mother.'Perhaps a little rewording and this could work really well? Good luck!!
Hi Jen--I'll share the epic failure award with you. Actually I'm not into sharing, so it's all mine. ;)I'm with Janice, I think your query hook works well as your one line pitch. It hooks you!
I agree, no need to hard- this is a difficult thing to do!!! Really, you just need to tell us what your story is about in an interesting and captivating way. You have great, unique elements to make the logline. Maybe somthing that gives insight into why a crush with him is forbidden; I would assume it's because he's her instructor. LOL I was tripped up by the "her" early on without introducing who she was : )
LOL Thanks guys. See . . . I when I was coming up with my log line I thought it was supposed to be different from my hook in the first query, so I got all kinds of confused. Come on Stina, sharing is caring! =)I kind of toyed around with my org. hook and come up with this, which i think is better.Alexandria knows her infatuation with her Instructor is wrong, but since her mom is out to kill her, she’s pretty damn sure her crush is the least of her worries.
Epic success, Jen!!! Great voice.The one tiny thing I would say is the use of damn - I don't have a problem with it at all - some might?
Oh I'm SO green with envy that you whipped that second logline out! Mine is crashed into the side of the mountain, call off the search, no chance of survivors... I'm going to have to work with it...I don't have a problem with the use of 'damn' but you could simply cut 'she's pretty damn sure' out altogether. I personally like it though because it gives it sass and voice.
Thanks Guys. I came up with that one after I posted the other log line . . . of course.
Okay, like the second logline, but LOVE the first sentence of your pitch: 'There’s nothing like crushing on the hot and totally forbidden Daemon to take Alexandria’s mind off training to kill her mother.'It has voice, an invitation to read more, clear stakes, an antag, a great protag, and a love interest. Hello? What's not to love?Martina
Thanks! I've always liked the first one myself!
i think this is perfect. i wouldn't change a single thing. i know exactly what's going on, i know exactly who the main characters are - and most importantly, i'm interested.i think this is excellent.great work!
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