Young Adult Fiction, YA Book Giveaways, Advice from Young Adult Authors, Plus Writing Tips, Publishing Information, and Insider Tidbits
I like this premise. :) In your other pitch, you say that being a "magical battery" will be a life of agony, and I think that's important. It gives a sense of urgency and lets us know that Lark isn't just being selfish. Good luck!
This is a great start. I just don't know who is standing in her way to her getting to the others. Is it just the monster-infested wilderness or is someone after her? Here are three things that must be answered in a logline:1. Who is the main character and what does he/she want? --> I know this is Lark and that she doesn't want to be used as a battery because it's dangerous and that she seeks safety with others like her ---> So this has been answered. 2. Who (villain) or what is standing in the way of the main character? ---> I don't know this from your logline above 3. What makes this story unique? --->You have pointed out what makes your story unique -- human batteries and an energy starved world. Love it.So basically, what is standing in her way to reaching her goals. Is her only goal to be with others like her and to be safe or is there an other goal in your story that is stronger? If so, make sure you're using the strongest goal for Lark. I hope this helps. Good luck! :D
This is really good. Covers all points. Awesome work!
I'd remove the world "beyond" since you want to be as succinct as possible and readers are going to know that a 'wilderness' is beyond the city's limits.For an even shorter opening phrase, maybe something like "With abilities that doom Lark to life as a magical battery, ..." It only cuts out two words, but brevity is golden when it comes to log lines.Also, the repetitive structure of "energy-starved city" and "monster-infested wilderness" bothers me, but that may just be a personal thing.A pretty solid log line though, IMO.
What you've written is not particularly long, but it gets a tad convoluted and wordy. Consider something like this:Life as a magical battery and escaping an energy-starved city are just some of the things Lark has to contend with as she discovers the key to her own powers.The premise is interesting and I like the sound of "magical battery". Would love to know what that's about and how it ties into an "energy-starved" city. Nice. Just remember to focus on the essential story components in a logline.
I love the human battery description of her magical powers. Really unique. It sounds like the focus is escaping in the wilderness so perhaps try this:When Lark's abilities doom her to being a magical battery, she must survive in the monster-infested wilderness to find the key to her own powers. Good luck. It's a great story idea.
I agree with Sarah on the repetitive hyphenated descriptions. I don't think you need monster-infested, I think the distinction between 'city' and 'wilderness' is enough to infer possible dangers. Maybe:'With abilities that doom Lark to a life as a magical battery, she must escape her energy-starved city and brave the wilderness beyond to find the key to her powers.'
I REALLY like this. I agree with Brenda that adding in the antagonist would up the tension, but I'm not sure it's really needed. Fighting for survival in the wilderness is opposition enough, and I feel like there's an implication in 'escape' that someone might follow to bring her back. And you do get to expand on this in the pitch itself, so really, I don't think you NEED to change it -- except for that comma in the last sentence. Kill that.
Just wanted to say how much I really really really want to read this! Good luck!
You've set out the distinction and the stakes, just need the obstacle as everyone else pointed out. Very well done!Martina
hmmm. HMMMMMMM. i like this, but i'm concerned that the second half gets too wordy too quickly. i can't quite digest all of it. and if i were reading just the pitch? without the query? i'd be confused.let's try paring it down a bit:When Lark develops abilities that doom her to life as a magical battery, she must escape her energy-starved city and fight to survive long enough to find others like her, and the key to her own powers.(others have given some excellent direction with regard to thinning out the words, as well.)a note: i love the term "magical battery", and the corresponding "energy-starved city". these two images work very well to compliment each other and generate intrigue -- what's happening? what's a magical battery? etc. it's a fabulous concept -- so unique, so very original.you've done an excellent job!
Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)