Thursday, September 9, 2010

9 Pitch Entry # 50 Elizabeth Prats

Title: Tainted

Genre: YA Fantasy

Evvie Nyx, an abomination within her world, wants a normal life—but when a dark mage murders her friend, she sets out for vengeance and instead finds herself in a dangerous political struggle that could end her life.

9 comments:

  1. Some questions that came to mind when I read this pitch were:

    How can she have a normal life if she's an abomination? Abomination is a strong word choice, (very effective I might add) but when contrasted with the word normal just leaves me hanging and confused. I just think there's gotta be something more specific that an abomination longs for. And then I'm thinking to myself, Why is she an abomination? I know, (believe me I know) how hard it is to sum up a book in 1 sentence but I would suggest adding further clarification to help us understand who Ewie is and what, specifically, she longs for. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

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  2. I remember this pitch well! But it does not say WHAT Evvie is and we need to know that, it makes your story. So maybe....After trying desperately to lead a normal life in the human world, light and dark elf Evvie must *face or seek revenge against? the dark mage who murdered her friend.
    This is just a guess at it LOL

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  3. This logline is very close, the only thing is: What is Evvie? This is what will grab the reader and you completely bypassed it. The rest though was pinpointed and great.

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  4. Ahh thanks guys! I knew I should have put what she was, but I was sure if it was just too much detail, you know?

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  5. I agree with the above comments. Overall though, a tight and straightforward pitch, well worded and interesting without being longwinded. Good job!

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  6. Elizabeth,

    I really like what you have here, but I think we need some clarification of how setting off for revenge is somehow the opposite of what she wants, i.e. a "normal life." What is she sacrificing by pursuing her friend's murderer.

    Also, perhaps the word "outcast" instead of "abomination" in this instance would give us a stronger sense of her place within the community? Very important to immediately establish that dynamic.

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  7. Hmm..lol these loglines are hard. There are a bunch of contributing factors to why she takes off. Mainly, grief, among others. It's just too much to inlcude in a log line :/ I'm not really sure. Technically, she doesn't go after this dark mage until a little later when he kidnaps another child and only bc she regrets on having saved the first child. But it seems like too much to explain in a log line. Should I include the other child or no?

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  8. Hi! Very tight and alluring logline. I do wonder why she is an abomination, like others have.

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