Thursday, September 9, 2010

5 Pitch Entry #43: Britt Leigh Jersey

Title: Shot on the Wing

Genre: YA Contemporary

Calling foul is snarky 17-year-old Angela Bennett's business as a reporter; but as modern media reveal a varsity basketball recruiting scandal and its aftermath, Angela finds herself out of bounds with the team, the public, and worst of all, her crush, the JV star.

5 comments:

  1. I dunno, I like the word "snarky" but I'm thinking some agents/editors/readers might see that as a turnoff. I tend to think shying away from adjectives describing the MC is a good thing--let the reader draw their own conclusions. The MC's actions will show a better job of snarkiness than the label, anyway (or should). I like fiesty better, from your query, but I'm not sure that adjective was needed, either.

    I do like the sports terms, calling foul and being out of bounds; clever. On the whole, still, the logline seems a tad long or wordy. Omitting snarky would help. I'm not sure the word "modern" is needed; what does that mean, anyway, modern media? I'd use a comma rather than a semi-colon, too. From your query, it appears it's (inadvertently) Angela that gets the recruiting scandal scoop, which seems the opposite in the logline, where it sounds like a local newspaper/media. Dunno if you really need "and its aftermath" or to repeat "Angela," either. Streamline a bit, something like:

    Calling foul is 17-year-old Angela Bennett's business as a reporter, but when she stumbles upon a varsity basketball recruiting scandal, she finds herself out of bounds with the team, the public, and worst of all, her JV-star crush.

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  2. Hi Britt!

    The opening confused me a bit, only because the sports reference didn't get me right away. I'm not a sporty girl, so it took me a second read to realize what you meant with "Calling foul is...". Snarky, to me anyway, means snotty or rude, maybe "no nonsense" or "outspoken" would be better and instead of "modern media" I might use "social networking". Also, should it be "reveals", as opposed to "reveal"? That might just be a matter of choice.

    I think this is a solid hook, but I'm not feeling the same voice you had in the original summary. I really do like the hook. I know EXACTLY what your book is about, I'm just not seeing the same personality as before. I really liked the fire of your first pitch, so I'd love to see a little of that in there. You are totally on the right track though. I think just a tiny bit of tweaking and you've got it!

    xoxo -- Hilary

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  3. "Calling foul is snarky 17-year-old Angela Bennett's business as a reporter..." you should find a better way to write this. Make it more understandable for non-sports people, such as myself. I do like how you said "...finds herself out of bounds with the team." I thought that was good. Just a bit of tweaking to the first line and I think you've got it.

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  4. I agree with the others...I like this a lot, but I'm thrown off with the wording at the very beginning. It tripped me up a little until I got further in and realized what was going on. But the conflict and the stakes are very clear here, which is good.

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  5. I love the use of lingo that helps define the subject matter. The first line is a mouthful though. snarky is a strange word indeed and immediately puts me on my guard toward her. Teenagers already get a bad rap, and if you want to be on her side as a reporter we probably shouldn't be put off by her. Perhaps. "Calling foul isn't something 17 year old Angela Bennett expected to do as a reporter, but as modern media..." etc. I like the rest. :) Good luck!

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