Thursday, September 9, 2010

7 Pitch Entry #42: Michelle

Title: Fried Liver
Genre: MG Contemporary
Mike's mom goes AWOL, and if the eighth grade air force brat wants help fixing his fractured family, he has to share his dog, his dad and his house with the girl he hates.

7 comments:

  1. I like this. It's clear, succinct. We know who your main character is, what he wants and his obstacles in getting what he wants.

    One thing, (at the request of another military brat) please capitalize Air Force.

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  2. This does seem good, and pretty complete. Altho (at least to me) it's not 100% certain that Mike and the "eighth grade air force brat" are one and the same person. I assume, but it's not 100%.

    Eighth-grade would also be hyphenated, as a tiny correction. I sorta miss the chess bits from the query, but I'm not sure how important a part chess plays in your novel. What you have here is probably the heart of the conflict.

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  3. Michelle, this is very clear as to what is going on in this story. This one line tells me more than your earlier summary. I do agree you should clarify that Mike is the Air Force brat, so maybe something like, "Mike's mom goes AWOL, and if that isn't enough for an eighth grade Air Force brat to deal with, in order to patch up his fractured family he..." Other than that switch I really think you nailed the logline--seriously. Way to rock it!

    xoxo -- Hilary

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  4. Thanks, ladies! Shame on me for not capitalizing Air Force. I totally know better.

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  5. I keep wanting to change this to "When Mike's mom goes AWOL..." but I can't figure out how to incorporate the Air Force brat detail into the logline without it sounding awkward. I think the way you structured it works. And ending with the girl he hates is definitely intriguing.

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  6. Good, except it's a little awkward: "...if the eighth grade air force brat wants help..." I'm sure he wants help, and "share it with" is not quite what you're going for. Share the help with? Unclear. But sounds like a great story.

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  7. I like this premise because I feel like I can relate to it. With the minor tweaks mentioned above, your logline will be just about perfect.

    So I have to ask, is the girl Mike hates his dad's new fling or possibly the fling's daughter? Intrigued either way!

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