Title: The Last Stationmaster
Genre: YA/Historical Fiction
A delinquent fifteen-year-old, spending the summer on his grandparents' farm, must unravel his family's ties to the Underground Railroad then use the secret to help a falsely accused terrorist deliver military intelligent and stop a national disaster.
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I like this. I'm intrigued with how the premise of the plot weaves with the history of the Underground Railroad.Great idea!
ReplyDeleteThe only suggestions I have are slight but hopefully will help. I would replace the word "then" with "and". Also would then reword "...and stop a national disaster" to this "...to stop a national disaster." Just little suggestions that would help the pitch flow more. See below because I put my suggestions in the pitch itself so I'm not confusing you with my rambling. :)
Wish too that you could somehow explain "the national disaster", maybe put it in more concrete terms so I have more of an idea of what's at stake for the MC.
Also I'm sure you meant to say intelligence(noun) and not intelligent(adj).
A delinquent fifteen-year-old, spending the summer on his grandparents' farm, must unravel his family's ties to the Underground Railroad then [and] use the secret to help a falsely accused terrorist deliver military intelligent[intelligence] and [to] stop a national disaster.
Hope this helps. Great work & Good Luck!
Thanks, Slushpile. Little changes make a big difference. And I always appreciate grammar checks.
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting! Ditto for the grammar/wording, as SS says. I think another thing that might help is to change the wordy or parenthetical feeling of the phrase: "spending the summer at his grandparents' farm." You could easily do this by putting it first in the sentence:
ReplyDeleteWhile spending the summer on his grandparents' farm, a delinquent fifteen-year-old must unravel his family's ties to the Underground Railroad, and use that secret to help a falsely accused terrorist deliver military intelligence and/to stop a national disaster.
Wow! Carol, I like it. How come I didn't see that? Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi Shellie,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Carol's suggestion of putting "spending the summer..." at the beginning. I think it flows much better that way. I think you've packed a lot into this sentence (in a good way) and when I first read it, without caring about anything grammatical, etc, I immediately wanted to know more. Other than a few piddly grammar changes, I totally think it's a great logline that works to pull the reader in. After all, that is the point!
Great job!
xoxo -- Hilary
Thanks Hilary,
ReplyDeleteThis process has helped me hone my query so much. I really appreciate your help. The final judges may not like it, but I'm pleased with my ending pitch.
Thanks M&M for hosting this.
Me likey. :) Especially with the changes Carol suggested. I'd watch this on tv. I mean read this. :) :)
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to say, just that I love this premise. I'd totally read it. :-)
ReplyDelete