Thursday, September 9, 2010

8 PITCH ENTRY #41 Shelliep

Title: The Last Stationmaster
Genre: YA/Historical Fiction

A delinquent fifteen-year-old, spending the summer on his grandparents' farm, must unravel his family's ties to the Underground Railroad then use the secret to help a falsely accused terrorist deliver military intelligent and stop a national disaster.

8 comments:

  1. I like this. I'm intrigued with how the premise of the plot weaves with the history of the Underground Railroad.Great idea!

    The only suggestions I have are slight but hopefully will help. I would replace the word "then" with "and". Also would then reword "...and stop a national disaster" to this "...to stop a national disaster." Just little suggestions that would help the pitch flow more. See below because I put my suggestions in the pitch itself so I'm not confusing you with my rambling. :)

    Wish too that you could somehow explain "the national disaster", maybe put it in more concrete terms so I have more of an idea of what's at stake for the MC.

    Also I'm sure you meant to say intelligence(noun) and not intelligent(adj).

    A delinquent fifteen-year-old, spending the summer on his grandparents' farm, must unravel his family's ties to the Underground Railroad then [and] use the secret to help a falsely accused terrorist deliver military intelligent[intelligence] and [to] stop a national disaster.

    Hope this helps. Great work & Good Luck!

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  2. Thanks, Slushpile. Little changes make a big difference. And I always appreciate grammar checks.

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  3. Sounds interesting! Ditto for the grammar/wording, as SS says. I think another thing that might help is to change the wordy or parenthetical feeling of the phrase: "spending the summer at his grandparents' farm." You could easily do this by putting it first in the sentence:

    While spending the summer on his grandparents' farm, a delinquent fifteen-year-old must unravel his family's ties to the Underground Railroad, and use that secret to help a falsely accused terrorist deliver military intelligence and/to stop a national disaster.

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  4. Wow! Carol, I like it. How come I didn't see that? Thanks!

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  5. Hi Shellie,

    I agree with Carol's suggestion of putting "spending the summer..." at the beginning. I think it flows much better that way. I think you've packed a lot into this sentence (in a good way) and when I first read it, without caring about anything grammatical, etc, I immediately wanted to know more. Other than a few piddly grammar changes, I totally think it's a great logline that works to pull the reader in. After all, that is the point!

    Great job!

    xoxo -- Hilary

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  6. Thanks Hilary,

    This process has helped me hone my query so much. I really appreciate your help. The final judges may not like it, but I'm pleased with my ending pitch.

    Thanks M&M for hosting this.

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  7. Me likey. :) Especially with the changes Carol suggested. I'd watch this on tv. I mean read this. :) :)

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  8. I have nothing to say, just that I love this premise. I'd totally read it. :-)

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