Thursday, September 9, 2010

12 Pitch Entry #36: Larissa

Title: LURE
Genre: YA

Reading's really not fifteen-year-old Mitch's thing, but when everyone in his small town becomes so obsessed with a book that they're literally reading themselves to death, he must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves.

12 comments:

  1. I read your longer pitch and now this, and let me say I love your premise. It's so original!! :D

    I'm still learning about one-sentece pitches, so I don't know how helpful I'll be, but here I go:
    I don't like the alliteration at the beginning. Maybe say "REading isn't really..."
    Also if you want to nix words you could say: "When everyone in his small town becomes obsessed with a book they're literally..."

    Good luck with this!

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  2. Hey Larissa,

    I like your logline mostly. But I would tweak it to read: When fifteen-year-old Mitch realizes everyone in his small town is so obsessed with a book that they're literally reading themselves to death, he must figure out how to save them before he loses everyone he loves.

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  3. I really like your concept, but I think your pitch could be a little more concise. I don't think it's important to the log line that Mitch isn't in to reading.

    Maybe something like: When a small town becomes so obsessed with a book that they're literally reading themselves to death, 15-year-old Mitch must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves.

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  4. Reading's (this 's is freaking me out. I actually like the bit about reading not being Mitch's thing, because it establishes A) voice and B) who he is with like, four words.) really not fifteen-year-old Mitch's thing, but when everyone in his small town becomes so obsessed with a book that they're literally reading themselves to death, he must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves.

    I like this a lot, except for the "reading's, and the double use of "reading" in the pitch. I might tweak at the beginning and tighten a little. "Reading--so not fun for fifteen-year-old Mitch--has become an obsession in his small town, and he must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves." Or some such. Or maybe it's worse now.

    Will stew.


    What do you think?

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  5. I think I hate loglines. LOL. :)

    Elana, I agree with you about the 's and double use of reading...Gah!

    Um, totally off the cuff, but how about:

    Everyone in a small town is obsessed with a book--a complete waste of time in fifteen-year-old Mitch's opinion--but when he learns people are literally reading themselves to death, he must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves.

    Okay, I don't know if I like that, either. What if I do this:

    Books are really not fifteen-year-old Mitch's thing, but when everyone in his small town becomes so obsessed with a book that they're literally reading themselves to death, he must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves.

    Also, a question: So we're supposed to put the longer pitch with the shorter pitch for the final query (according to the contest description), but this logline uses some of the same wording as the longer pitch, so should I just do the longer pitch for the final query?

    Thanks for your help! :)

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  6. Larissa, great premise! I so want to read this. :)

    I like this one: Books are really not fifteen-year-old Mitch's thing, but when everyone in his small town becomes so obsessed with a book that they're literally reading themselves to death, he must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves.

    Only thing I'd change is the first few words to "Books aren't really" because it seems to hold your voice better.

    Good luck! :D

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  7. This sounds like a great story! The one-sentence is really long though. You can always mention his age, the fact that he doesn't read much, and that it takes place in a small town later in the query. Here's how I would sharpen it:

    When everyone in town becomes so obsessed with a book they're literally reading themselves to death, Mitch has to figure out why before he loses everyone he loves.

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  8. Love the premise of this and your log line sucked me in. Perhaps prune the sentence a bit like Heather suggested and try not to use reading twice like Elana said.

    What about: Fifteen-year-old Mitch isn't into books, but when everyone in town is reading themselves to death, Mitch has to figure out why before he loses everyone he loves.

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  9. oh - i like natalie's version the best! it combines the best of all of them and avoids the double reading and the reading's as well as the double book in larissa's second try. :)

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  10. Okay, I like your second try, except for the double use of "books." I could shred and put back together, but I actually think Natalie is more on the right track. But it's lost your voice. So you just need to find a few little spots where you can inject that back in. I'll try.

    Fifteen-year-old Mitch [so] isn't into books, but when everyone in town [begins] reading themselves to death, [he must] figure out [what the allure is] before he loses everyone he loves.

    I sort of like the near-reference to the title in the pitch too. What do you think?

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  11. Aaaahhhh! You'd think this would be easy, but it's sooooo not.

    Okay. I like this last one with a few tweaks. I do like the near-reference to the title, but the word "allure" doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm on the wrong track, but Mitch would never use that word, so if we're going for the voice of the ms, it doesn't fit. Or maybe I'm a complete nutbar. Ugh.

    Fifteen-year-old Mitch thinks reading is a boring waste of time, but when everyone in town begins reading themselves to death, he must figure out what's going on before he loses everyone he loves.

    I know that first part now takes up more words than before, but it's more Mitch's voice...

    (Also, sorry I'm so crappy this week. Insanity going on around here. Details are on my blog if you're interested...)

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  12. I think you lost a little of the intensity (obsessed added to the intensity) in the rewrite. But I love this premise!

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