Thursday, September 9, 2010

7 Pitch entry #34: Bethany Morrow

Title: The Last Life of Avrilis
Genre: YA Dystopian

There's already a chance that the world won't replay but when Avrilis saves the life of a boy meant to die, her unscripted behavior forces the two of them to run - not knowing whether the hunters or the end of the age will catch up to them first.

7 comments:

  1. Love the high stakes here! I did struggle with the first half of the first sentence, though. I think you repeat it at the end of the logline when it mentions the end of the age coming. What special power does Avrilis have that allows her to save the boy? Can you use that as part of the description? For example, 'When (insert 1-2 word something that describes her power here)Avrilis saves the life of a boy...' I think it just needs to be tightened. If you choose to use the 'replay' phrase, maybe mention why there's a chance it won't happen. Good luck!

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  2. Quite honestly, I think you can cut the mention of repetition out. ... Avrilis saves the life of a boy meant to die, and her unscripted behavior forces the two of them to run - not knowing whether the hunters or the end of the age will catch up to them first. Same high stakes, much tighter. If you think about it, if you're delivering this logline, the sense of repetion will not be familiar to the 'pitchee', and hence you can conceivably do without it. Though...I'm very fond of the lines so tight, they're sharp enough to cut.

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  3. Thanks to both of you guys - I agree and will take the first part out, leaving:

    When Avrilis saves the life of a boy meant to die, her unscripted behavior forces the two of them to run - not knowing whether the hunters or the end of the age will catch up to them first.

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  5. This logline confused me a litle I have to admit and I had to read a couple of times to understand what it was about.

    Here are the two elements that confused me:

    "There's already a chance that the world won't replay"

    "the end of the age."

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  6. I don't know what it means that 'the world won't replay' or exactly what the 'end of the age' signifies. It needs to be clearer. We haven't read the book but we should know from this what the plot is, even if we don't know your jargon.

    I think it's interesting that she knows a boy is meant to die and she changes this, but the 'unscripted behavior' reference is confusing. I *think* I get what you mean, but I should know for sure on first read, rather than re-reading and not being entirely certain.

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