Thursday, September 9, 2010

5 Pitch entry #31: Steph

Title: MEGALAND
Genre: YA/Upper middle grade – contemporary

When fourteen-year-old Inky Kahn’s drawings of his secret muse are used by a creepy game developer to lure her to danger, Inky and his cyber-geek friend hatch a scheme to help bust the predator before he can put his hands on their friend.

5 comments:

  1. This is very intriguing as is, but I'm wondering if the drawings were stolen by the game developer or given to him by Inky. When you say 'used', I'm not sure. Also, in regards to the word friend' as the last word in your logline, is that the secret muse or the cyber-geek friend? Or are they one and the same? Again, this is a great logline, you just need to clarify a bit. Good luck!

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  2. I have to agree with Dawn. Not a bad logline, but I'm missing a sense of urgency that should be here. Needs some clarity, and maybe cut down on the word count. It might sound better read out loud, but it looks pretty worded on the page. With a logline, you want the speed and hook of intrigue, not the weight of too many words.

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  3. I was wondering if it matters that the predator is a game developer? From the logline, I don't know why it would, other than somehow being connected to the lure?

    I think it reads really nicely.

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  4. Is Inky a girl or guy? Because you said: "... developer to lure HER to danger..." and then "Inky and HIS cyber..." Also it sounds weird when you say "...put his hands on their friend." It just doesn't flow very well. It's not a bad logline though. :)

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  5. I'm a little bit enchanted by your story and voice. Your pitch made me smile.

    What is the creepy game developer planning to do? Saying 'lure her to danger' is non-specific enough that I gloss right over it.

    You use 'friend' twice, referring to two different people. I'd use different words or change the syntax around so one is unnecessary.

    I think you're using more words than needed.

    "Inky and his cyber-geek friend hatch a scheme to help bust the predator before he can put his hands on their friend."

    or

    "Inky and his cyber-geek friend try to bust the predator before he makes his move." (or something like that)

    The less words without sacrificing meaning, the more impact.

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