Thursday, September 9, 2010

9 Pitch Entry: #28, A. J. Spindle

Title: Bennett Nelson and the Maker of the Stones
Genre: MG Heroic Fantasy

Only one man can make the magical stones that repel dark creatures and keep the island safe, and when that man goes missing, twelve-year-old Bennett Nelson sets out to find him.

9 comments:

  1. I like this but want to know a tiny bit more about Bennett. How does he set out to find him? How did he get to the island? You can infuse a couple more words at the end here to give us a better glimpse of your main character.

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  2. I'm a little wary of having the FIRST 2/3 of the logline about someone other than the main character; I'm thinking the focus should be more on Bennett. The other thing is that you say "the island" like the reader knows what this is. What island? Why are they on an island?

    In your query you mention Bennett is shipwrecked on this island--that explains it well. You might even make Bennett and the shipwreck your focus, and include the magical stones too. More details about the conflict. A bit wordy at the end here, but something like:

    When 12-year-old Bennett Nelson becomes shipwrecked on a island, he discovers his prophetic mission involves finding a missing maker of magical stones in order to combat the deadly evil of a man who desires control of the island.

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  3. Hmm, at first I was going to agree with the people who commented before me, but actually I disagree with them.

    You break a lot of the "rules" for log lines here, but it still works. The point of a log line is to get someone to want to read the book and you've done that. Don't stick to the rules to the detriment of your elevator pitch.

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  4. This is really close and I like the fact that is concise and tells us the plot. The only thing is that I want to know why Bennet is the one that decides to go after the missing man. Saving the world obviously but we need a more personal approach to this so we can feel the MC's stakes (other than saving the world).

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  5. I, too, liked that you start with someone other than the MC. It's good that you don't use the stone-maker's name though, and that the only name mentioned is your protagonist's. I wouldn't normally advise a writer to set up a logline in this way, but for better or worse, you managed to hook me with it.
    The only part that threw me was 'the island', as if we should already know what that is. Maybe use the island's name (I can't remember it right now.)

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  6. I agree that the query should start out talking about the main character rather than the man. Right now, it starts out sounding like an adult story about this man. You have me intrigued, but I'd like logline turned around so it's more abou the main character.

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  7. People seem split on whether to start off with the main character or not. Personally, I like the way you've done it. It gets me interested in the stone-maker and suddenly pulls him away so that I, like Bennet, become more interested in where he's gone.

    I would suggest balancing the information you give us between the stone-maker and Bennet though, ie fewer words for the stone-maker, more for Bennet. I'd work in the fact that Bennet is shipwrecked, since that adds a bit more intrigue and excitement.

    I'd read more!

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  8. This works, but could possibly be enhanced by adding why Bennett is the one to go find the man.

    sounds like a great story.

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  9. Oooh...sounds like a good quest. I can't decide if the "rule-breaking" wows me. My first inclination was to say no, that it raised too many questions. It's almost there by making the island seem special enough as its own character.

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