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When I first read this pitch I was confused. Who are the letters from? Are they warnings she chose to ignore? Maybe put in a descriptive word as to what kind of letters these are. And what part does Tessa play in the story? Is she going to write letters back to the ghosts? Stop them somehow? I just feel kind of disconnected to what her role is in all this. Maybe just a few words to help us understand. Hope this helps! Good Luck!
I'm struggling to connect the letters to the ghosts next door in this logline. Calling the letters "messages" or "warnings" might help.
I think the problem is the letters are mentioned in a way that assumes the reader knows what they already are ("the" first letter, etc.). I also think it might be important that she works at the theater--and that the "accidents" are deadly. Otherwise it could be accidents like...spilled paint or tripping down the stairs and getting a few bruises. I mean, people are dying! This ups the stakes and the dilemma. You want oodles of tension in this logline, high stakes.
Hello! I checked out your query, and you have so many great points that could be injected here to make this a rich logline. Maybe something that reflects the ghosts... Tessa pushes aside the presence of ghosts (or is just AVA?), but she can't avoid the bodies piling up (that was a great line)or the mirror image of events (I think that's what happens!) at the theatre where she works if she wants to live. Okay, that was just a gamble, but you had it right with saying that the stakes are her life. That was great!!!!
I agree that this is a little confusing to the reader, it needs more clarification on the nature of the letters and the connection to the ghosts and like Bekah pointed out, how deadly the situation is...as you have it they almost sound like mere pranksters. And how do you deny the existence of a letter? Or is she denying who they came from? Silly I know, but it does need to be more clear.I always love a good ghost story...good luck!
I very much liked the story idea in the longer, first pitch, but I feel like this one expects me to know the story already. What letters are we talking about? Who are they from?Maybe something like: As hard as she tries to rationalize the origin of the mysterious letters she finds (on her night table?), Tessa soon realizes there's a deadly, supernatural connection to the accidents happening at the theater next door.
Thank you all for the feedback! What if I take the first line of the pitch paragraph and rework it (as below) and start the paragraph with the second sentence instead? Would that give a better sense of the story?______________________________________Tessa does her damnedest to ignore the implications of the letters appearing on her nightstand, but when the accidents begin there's no more ignoring the ghosts in the theatre next door.
You're second stab at the logline is a little clearer than the first. I didn't get to read your original query so I'm only working off of your logline and the above comments. I'm assuming that Tessa is receiving strange letters that warn her about impending deaths and they're passed off as mere accidents, yes? If that's close, then how about:Tessa does her damnedest to ignore the warning letters appearing on her nightstand, but when dead bodies begin piling up, there's no more ignoring the ghosts in the theatre next door. Adds a little more drama and danger I think. It almost feels like you're holding back in the logline because you want certain things to be revealed as you read. Give us the blood and guts! :)
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