Thursday, September 9, 2010

7 Pitch Entry #23: Rak M Nay & Sangay Glass

Title: Arcanom: The Forgetful Future
Genre: Y/A Fantasy Novel and Manga Series

The future will never be the same when Allix and her magic academy friends unite to change a classmate’s destiny and avoid a deadly conflict between sorcerers and the newly enlightened people of Earth.

7 comments:

  1. I like this logline, but I think a few little tweaks are needed to make it clearer.

    The future will never be the same when Allix and her magic academy friends unite to change a classmate's tragic destiny while avoiding a deadly conflict between sorcerers and the newly enlightened people of Earth.

    Something like that. Just bring out what type of destiny the classmate has or something. Hope this helps. Good luck! :D

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  2. I love this logline! Your query had me confused, but this line hits all the right plot places and I want to read the story right now! The mention of 'newly enlightened people of Earth' is intriguing. I only wish you had said something about these enlightened people in your query (or maybe you did and I missed it! Like I said, I was confused.)
    Really thought, I just read the logline again, and you have managed to incorporate a very complex time-travel storyline into one concise sentence. Well done!

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  3. Nice encapsulation of the story! I wonder what the MC stands to lose, though. (Not that you necessarily have to get that in there.)

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  4. Thanks again guys! I'm glad it's heading in the right direction with the time travel.

    Ignore me, but writing things out helps me think. If I do it in public, it makes me chose words more carefully:)

    So, from here I'm thinking of how to fix things.

    All the comments make sense. I also felt my pitch lacked a little of the intensity of the story. To me it sounds more like a fun adventure, but Arcanom can be very dark at times yet have very funny moments.

    I read a lot of manga so if people don't know the genre it's hard to explain that balance, but I have a few grown up examples examples like, Lethal Weapon, Independence Day, M.A.S.H.

    What does Allix have to lose? Humm...

    First, war is complicated, especially in the eyes of young people who are influenced by the opinions of adults around them.

    Yet, they're always thinking about how they can do better than the adults in terms of making a better world.

    However, they don't really understand mortality, politics, and instinct.

    They're told to follow their hearts, but I think that's BS. Follow your gut because the gut takes everything you learned along the way and compacts it. If it's too heavy, we all know what that feels like. If there's nothing to worry about, your gut is weightless.

    Allix must learn to follow her gut, choose sides politically, and face her own mortality to make a big decision.

    She's told she must kill Boy A. who is destined to kill Boy B.

    If she doesn't kill Boy A.... Boy B's death will fuel hatred and start yet another war which will kill most of her friends and family. (She has seen this in terrifying visions of the future)

    But to Allix, in her time, they're both just silly teenage boys. She likes them and decides to learn more about them instead of following a prophecy.

    Then she thinks of a way to fix things without anyone dying, but as the log line says, "the future will never be the same" once she starts trying to change it.

    Okay now it's time for thinking, thinking, thinking.

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  5. Totally agree with the others that even though this was shorter, it's stronger (a little less confusing) than the longer pitch.

    Looking at your comments above (the fortune of being late to post) the moral conflict -- murder! -- is very strong. Based on that, what about something like:

    A classmate's life hangs in the balance as Allix and her magic academy friends must decide a course of action that could alter the future and save the people of Earth from a deadly conflict with the (evil?) sorcerers.

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  6. I really like Debra's suggestion here. I was a little lost for details with the original logline.
    If there's a choice between letting a classmate die and preventing a global war, THAT becomes much more interesting!

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Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)