Thursday, September 9, 2010

6 Pitch Entry #21: RC Shivers

Title: Maddie and Mook & The Message in The Bottle
Genre: Middle Grade

While treasure hunting on the beach, Maddie and her puppy Mook find a mysterious old bottle with a message inside that leads them on an adventure to the tropical islands of the Caribbean to find the boy wrote the message.

6 comments:

  1. I think this sounds very good. I would just add the word "who" between boy and wrote.

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  2. This basically sounds fine, altho I'm not sure of the logistics of a middle grade girl going off to the islands of the Caribbean. How does she DO that? ;o) I mean, her parents would have to be with her, and she'd have to take a plane there, etc. Also, I'm not sure the first part adds much to the sentence--and in loglines, every word counts. I guess it's mostly the "treasure hunting" part that doesn't seem necessary to tell. And tropical doesn't seem necessary...it's the Caribbean; that's implied.

    Tightening would be good, such as: When 12-year-old Maddie and her puppy Mook find a mysterious old bottle with a message inside, she is led into an adventure in the Caribbean islands to find the boy who wrote the message.

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  3. I agree with Carol's trim suggestions. You have the inciting incident (finding the bottle), and the quest (journey to find the boy), but what does Maddie personally have to overcome? I do love the name "Mook," btw. Best wishes!

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  4. This sounds pretty fun! Maybe to tighten, which is all I think this really needs to shine, you could say something like... Maddie and her puppy Mook find a bottle with a message stuffed inside and head on and adventure to the Carribbean to find the mysterious boy who wrote it.

    I don't know the details, but you can fill it in with the good, unique stuff : )

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  5. I think your logline sounds really good for your story, but like Carol and the others said trim it. I took Carol's and trimmed it a tad more.

    When 12-year-old Maddie and her puppy Mook find a mysterious old bottle with a message inside, they embark on an adventure in the Caribbean to find the boy who wrote it.

    Good luck.

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  6. I agree with the advice to tighten it up a bit, and with questions about how a young girl can go off on this quest alone (as I recall, her mother joins her).

    There's a little redundancy in "tropical islands of the Caribbean" -- it's not the frozen tundra of the Caribbean -- and I wonder how Maddie knows the note's author is a boy.

    Also, while the name is cute, unless it's a talking dog (and I admittedly haven't read the story), I'm not sure Mook's role is key enough to take up space in a one-sentence, quick hit. And, I question how someone can take a dog to the Caribbean,and why she would do it (again, I haven't read the story, so if this is unfair, I absolutely retract it).

    All that said, I think overall the pitch is very good.

    So the official "huh?" advice is: tighten it up and add more info. :)

    Suggestion: The mysterious note she finds in an old bottle at the beach so captivates Maddie that she convinces her mother to take off on a wild Caribbean adventure to find the note's author.

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