Thursday, September 9, 2010

13 Pitch Entry #19: Jared Larson

Title: I'm Here to Save Your Day: The Adventures of Bo Wolf
Genre: MG Adventure/Fantasy

A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— is covertly a witch, and a far worse enemy, when he struggles to stop her diabolical plan to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps.

13 comments:

  1. This is great and it summarizes your pitch perfectly. Great job! :D

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  2. I've heard several agents suggest that log lines should be kept at or below 32 words; you have to be able to say them in one breath. With that in mind, you might want to shorten a little.

    My suggestions (which you can take whatever you want from and discard the rest):
    - remove "brazen"
    - remove "covertly" (if he discovers it, it's obviously not public knowledge)
    - remove "and a far worse enemy" (if she's trying to poison the school, it's obviously worse than ruling the jungle gym)
    - I'm not sure the "when he" phrase is proper English. If we break it down, you're saying, "A boy does one thing only to discover the bully's mom is a witch, when he struggles to stop her diabolical plan..."

    hope that helps!!

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  3. Awesome. Thanks Sarah. I knew it was too long after writing it, but wasn't confident where to trim it. You helped me out. Thank you.

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  4. I agree with the trim suggestions. I think you can further condense the last part, "lunch lady--who plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps." We get that he;s going to try and stop her. Lots of flavor! Best wishes!

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  5. I agree with the trimming suggestions and have one more -- remove the mention of her being a witch. You don't say anything else about it in your longer pitch so it's just crowding here.

    A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps. ?

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. Good Jess. I like it. I did have this as the original: A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— is a far worse enemy.

    But I wasn't sold on the "worse enemy" part. I do like your, "plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps."

    So, I'll rewrite it as: A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps.

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  8. Of course, I thought the first was perfect, so you can tell that I'm not that good at loglines. Anyway this is even better. Your premise sounds so fun that I would totally read this. So your hook worked on me the first time. Good luck! :D

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  9. So, I'll rewrite it as: A brazen boy faces a playground bully to reclaim the school jungle gym, only to discover the bully's mom– the lunch lady— plans to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps.

    I liked this one! It's perfect!

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  10. Loved the pitch.
    Love the logline.
    Love gingersnaps.
    When can I read this?

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  11. The new logline is perfect. Simply perfect. And it sounds like something Nathan Bransford would love. :D

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  12. First I'm really sorry this is so late. No lame excuses, but I don't think you really needed me anyway. :D

    I really like the second pitch you've got here in the comments. I like how M. Bites Editor reworked that. It's exactly how I would have done it. Good luck!

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  13. Thanks to everyone for the amazing help.

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