Thursday, September 9, 2010

13 Pitch Entry #17: Jess Tudor

Title: MERCY
Genre: YA magical realism

A girl who can rewind time struggles to define herself after the loss of her twin sister. What good is magic if it can’t bring back the dead?

13 comments:

  1. BTW I know that sucks but I reworked everyone's favorite hook line into the pitch itself, and reading the new pitch I'm not sure the query needs a log line, but I had to put something so there you have it. :/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jess, good first line. But give us a sense of do or die on the ending. She must struggle against what or else what will happen?

    A girl who can rewind time struggles against her own guilt at her sister's death and forces her to question why her magic couldn't save the ones she loved most?

    So Post your new opening for the pitch, let us see it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh no, I just left my comment and it erased...
    Okay, I'll try to remember everything!
    First: I like the idea behind this hook! But one thing: this isn't a one-sentence pitch.
    Maybe unite them with an m dash and you'll get one sentence?

    My suggestions were small, since I still don't know how to write elevator pitches, but I suggested adding the MC's age and name and maybe saying "What good this type of magic is if you..." to connect it with the previous idea.

    HTH, and good luck! :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. A girl who can rewind time struggles against her own guilt at her sister's death and forces her to question why her magic couldn't save the ones she loved most?

    I think that was made of awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This might not be technically one sentence, but I honestly love it. It gives us central conflict and emotional weight. My only criticism would be that "struggles to define herself" is a little vague. What specifically is she trying to do?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yeah! What good is magic if it can't bring back the dead? I love your pitch. Great job, Jess. It's brief (unlike mine), entertaining, and straight-forward, just like it should be.
    If I were to suggest anything, it would be, up the ante of the plot somehow with a last sentence. What's the consequence going to be? Is there a greater consequence other than merely accepting that magic can't bring back the dead?
    Can't wait to read your query.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your story sounds great. I'm not good at these first lines, but one thing I've read is that agents don't like questions. So I'd recommend trying not to use them here or in your query.

    What about: A girl who can rewind time can't unwind her guilt (or struggles with her guilt)after she rewinds her twin sister's death but doesn't stop it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love this, but I agree with Natalie - questions starting off a query are not often answered in the way you intend and that can be a huge turn off. I think this one does fall on the border of decent usage, but it's probably better to play it safe. If you can rephrase that last line, definitely do it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "A girl who can rewind time struggles to define herself after the loss of her twin sister. What good is magic if it can’t bring back the dead?"

    I like this, but I remember your query being much more dark and twisted where I feel like there is almost a nonchalant tone to the last line here. I think you need to make it more intense and disturbing, like the tone of the query. Love the premise!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't think it sucks at all! I think it's well on its way to being an awesome logline!

    I love 'What good is magic if it can't bring back the dead' ... but... *grumbles contrarily* I'm inclined to agree that questions aren't a good idea, simply because so many professionals have said that they aren't a good idea. It's true that they're never answered quite like you think they're going to be.

    I get the 'define herself' part, but that might just be because I'm a twin and I know how hard it is to define yourself as a separate entity from your twin. You might want to alter that slightly.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's an intriguing logline, but I have to agree with everyone else. I also worry a little that the use of the word "magic" trivializes what is really going on in the story. You're nearly perfect here, just another tweak or two.

    Martina

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm SOO sorry this is late. No lame excuses, but I hope you'll forgive me and this is helpful.

    First, I really like this!! Very good. I have just a few suggestions to make it a tiny bit better.

    When eighteen-year-old Camilla Jay’s twin sister dies, twice, despite the fact Camilla can rewind time, Camilla must confront her grief – and her actions at the accident, both times – if she’s to understand her gift, her relationship with Madelyn, and herself.

    As always, my pitches always tend to be long, but you can wiggle it if you need to. But this tells the agent/editor it’s a YA and what the premise is in an exciting (IMHO) way that should grab their interest. I was also able to get rid of the rhetorical question since that’s a pet peeve of many agents/editors.

    ReplyDelete

Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)