Thursday, September 9, 2010

11 Pitch #9: Janice Foy

Title: Salvation
Genre: YA (Dystopian)

While searching for her missing sister a trans-human teen encounters a ruthless city beneath the streets, and discovers that the freedom to choose sometimes means having no choice at all.

11 comments:

  1. I like this, but I'm puzzled by the term trans-human. I'm not familiar with that term, so it doesn't really add anything. Maybe something a little more descriptive in place of trans-human.

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  2. Although I like this, I think the last line"...discovers that the freedom to choose sometimes means having no choice at all." is a little too enigmatic and unclear. It's catchy so I like that bit but I still found myself thinking what is she choosing? And how does it fit in with finding her sister? Hope this helps!
    Good Luck!

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  3. I'm puzzled by the term trans-human too, BUT since this is just a log line, I don't think we should get hung up on the terms. Many log lines for T.V. for example, don't always explain everything in detail. And not knowing what trans-human is actually makes me want to read more and find out.

    I also like that the last line doesn't give everything away. This makes me what to find out more

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  4. I probably wouldn't use the word "trans-human." It makes me think of transgenics from Dark Angel, which are often very different from what I know your MC to be from the query. Who knows what anyone else will think. You want to be as concise and clear as possible in your log line.

    The last phrase (after 'and') doesn't really show us how your story is unique or different. It could fit in with millions of stories.

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  5. Thanks for the crits. I went back and forth with trans-human a million times, and decided to go with it after a lengthy 'discussion' with my husband ;) I should have left it as genetically perfect. I appreciate your feedback.

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  6. "The freedom to choose means having no choice at all." This sounds nice, but in actuality, it doesn't tell me anything. I don't know what it means. It may be a mistake to include something that is too vague for the reader to understand. You might want to consider something less mysterious.

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  7. Thanks June. I'm going to work on it today, and I'll post my new attempt. I'll try and add a little more about Kerry's choice.

    Loglines are tricky wee beasts.

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  8. I like this! I do think that I'd stick with 'genetically perfect' instead of trans-human because the trans part immediately brings transgender to mind for me and I know that has no part in your story. I'd also try an rework the last line. Not because I find it too vague but because I'm automatically turned off when you tell me that a character 'has no choice' it just irks me when anything is described as something that is inevitable. It closes doors somehow.

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  9. Agree with everyone else, the 2nd clause needs some additional details to flesh it out. Genetically-perfect conjurs LOTS more conflict and images, so I would definitely go with that. Amazing premise!

    Martina

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  10. hmmm... this is good. it sets up some points of intrigue -- it has me curious. but i'd definitely leave out the "trans-human" term, because it seems to draw up more confusion than curiosity. (your other option, 'genetically perfect' is a great alternative. very interesting.)

    but whereas most other pitches tend to be overly-detailed, i feel there's room for a bit more explanation in yours. everyone has already touched on some really great points and given some great suggestions, so i won't repeat what's already been said.

    but here's my attempt at a rewrite:

    "A genetically-perfect teen searching for her missing sister uncovers a ruthless city beneath the streets -- a discovery that will unlock a world of choice and freedom she's never known."

    you're off to a great start -- i hope this helps. best of luck!! :D

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  11. I love it, all except trans human. I don't understand the term and confused isn't usually inviting. :) Otherwise, wonderful.

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