Thursday, September 9, 2010

5 Pitch #37: Laurel Amberdine

Title:Tattered Sky
Genre: YA Science Fiction

In a world being slowly destroyed by a time travel paradox, Avilon learns that her little sister may be the key to saving humanity -- but she only learns this after her sister has been captured by a group of tyrants, who'd prefer that civilization stays ruined.

5 comments:

  1. >> The log line feels a little long. I usually try to keep mine to ~ 30 words. Too much and you risk not being able to generate a conversation in an elevator because the person gets off without having time to think and respond to your project.

    >> I think you’re trying to pack too many details into your log line. They’re interesting and important to your story, but not the essence of your story.

    >>Try and refrain from using character names in your log line. They are meaningless without context.

    >>It’s a little hard to provide direction on where to take this since it feels a little inconsistent with your initial and revised pitch. Is the goal of the tyrants that they be the only survivors or that civilization stays ruined. They are not the same thing, and you have said both. I think you also need to answer why they want this. They want to rule the earth. Religious reasons. Prejudice. They believe the world is not worth saving. What’s making them tick?

    Here’s a version I might try and start from:

    A seventeen year-old girl must save her sister from a group of tyrants who desire that civilization remains destroyed by time travel paradox.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree that it's a little long, but I like having the MC's name. It's true that PM deals usually don't, but if you want to use this as your first sentence, I think you can.

    In a world being slowly (I'd take these two words out.) destroyed by a time travel paradox, Avilon learns that her little sister may be the key to saving humanity -- but she only learns this after her sister has been captured by a group of tyrants, who'd prefer that civilization stays ruined. (And here's where it needs trimming. After the em-dash, you might say, "too bad a group of tyrants who prefer that civilization stay ruined have captured her." Or something like that.)

    Could you do something like that to avoid repeats and such a long sentence?

    In a world destroyed by a time travel paradox, Avilon learns that her little sister may be the key to saving humanity -- too bad a group of tyrants who prefer that civilization stay ruined have captured her.

    I don't know, maybe that's still too long. I'll drive home and think about it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love the title and I always enjoy a good time travel story! My fix is unfortunately still long. Here's it is though:

    Avilon's little sister may be the key to saving humanity from a time travel paradox but she has been captured by a group of tyrants who prefer civilization stay ruined and Avilon must get her back.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Avilon and her little sister must save humanity from a time traveling paradox - but a group of tyrants will ensure they don't succeed.

    When her little sister is captured by a group of tyrants, Avilon must save her - and humanity - from a time traveling paradox.

    When a time traveling paradox threatens humanity it's up to Avilon and her little sister to save the world.

    A group of tyrants capture Avilon's little sister, preventing her from saving humanity from a time traveling paradox.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think you should state first what happens first; the mind follows it better on a subconscious level, so it runs more smoothly. So mention first about the kidnapping, then that Avilon learns she may be the key.

    Also, you use passive voice in the first words. I'd try to find a way to make that active or use the words differently in the sentence. You also use passive when you talk about the sister being captured.

    "As a time paradox slowly destroys the world, a group that wants civilization ruined kidnaps Avilon's little sister, who might be the key to humanity's survival."

    That's nearly half the words and gets the point across. Less words with same meaning = more impact.

    ReplyDelete

Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)