Thursday, September 9, 2010

15 Pitch #16: Brenda Drake

Title: Library Jumpers
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

After a tenacious girl is accidentally drawn into a portal book that links the great libraries of the world, she struggles against supernatural forces to realize her destiny to stop an apocalyptic being.

15 comments:

  1. I really like this premise! As for the logline, I think you can take out "to realize her destiny" and just put "she struggles against supernatural forces to stop an apocalyptic being." Just a suggestion.

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  2. This reads pretty well actually, though I would like to see her name, Gia, in there; it'd make it more concrete, real, and personal. Not so sure "tenacious" is necessary or good to include. And one thing I'm missing from the query is that she discovers she's a missing or previously unknown Paladijn. You wouldn't have to use that word (cuz no one would know what it was and there's not space to describe it in a logline) but perhaps indicate that she has to use newfound powers/abilities to combat the wizard who is threatening the apocalypse.

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  3. I like this, but I agree with Carol, switch 'a tenacious girl' to Gia. Not only does it tighten the pitch, it makes the character feel real. We can care about the character and no just a nameless girl.

    Good luck! :D

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  4. I really like the first part of the log line if you change "tenacious" girl to Gia. Then you might want to work on the second half of the sentence like Carol suggested. I agree with her not to mention Paladijn, but perhaps you could mention how she has to use the specific magical ability she has to combat a wizard threatening the apocalypse.

    Sounds like a great story. I love the book portal linking the libraries of the world. Good luck.

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  5. Brenda, I really like the premise. It sounds intense and exciting. Great setup. About the only thing I can see getting rid of is, "to realize her destiny."
    It can work with or without it. Good job all around.

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  6. Thanks guys! I love having all you talented writers help me straighten out my pitch. I've learned a lot from this experience and am grateful to everyone hosting and participating in this. You all rock!

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  7. All I can offer is a pat on the back :) Other people have already remarked on the things I'd consider changing.

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  8. After a tenacious girl is accidentally drawn into a portal book that links the great libraries of the world, she struggles against supernatural forces to realize her destiny to stop an apocalyptic being.

    I don't think you need to tell us she's tenacious. We should be able to see that from her actions. Telling us she's tenacious mutes the impact.

    Also, I dunno what an 'apocalyptic being' is. I'm assuming it's a being set on arranging the apocalypse but there's a lack of clarity.

    Verbiage: 'is accidentally drawn' is passive voice. Maybe, 'A portal book to the great libraries of the world draws Gia into a struggle against supernatural forces, where she must...' or something thereof. Hmm. I'd play with it.

    And yes, I want to know she's actually this awesome library warrior she has to learn to be one.

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  9. Hmm. I type too fast. Please to ignore all typos (like the one in my last sentence above).

    Oh, and I meant to erase the original elevator pitch of yours at the top of my comment. Was just using for reference.

    Anyway! Want to read the story.

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  10. Okay, I've been playing around with my logline.
    Do any one of these work? Gah! I pulling my hair out! :D

    When seventeen-year-old Gia Kearns accidentally transports into a portal book connecting the great libraries of the world, she struggles against supernatural forces to stop an apocalyptic disaster.

    After a seventeen-year-old girl transports through one of the many portal books that link the great libraries of the world, she struggles against supernatural forces to prevent the destruction of two worlds.

    After a seventeen-year-old girl accidentally transports into a secret portal book, she discovers that the gateways between the great libraries of the world don't require a library card, but they do harbor dangers.

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  11. I like the second one in your last post if you include the MC's name. These are a pain aren't they? It'll be worth it when it's worded just right!

    Love the premise! Good luck!

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  12. Thanks Vincent! They're are excruciating. :D

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  13. Love the 2nd one, too, and agree you should add her name. Consider shortening to: "one of the portal books linking the world's great libraries" and consider adding something to explain how she discovers that the supernatural forces need to be stopped. As is, your 1st clause doesn't necessarily follow from the 2nd, so you might need a bridge of some sort. Excellent job though. LOVE the idea of many portals.

    Martina

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  14. Hi! I'm SOO sorry this is so late. I won't give you a bunch of lame excuses, but I really am sorry. :(

    Okay, the way you have this now, doesn’t really make it stand out. I don’t see anything unique enough to say well that does sound different than most paranormals out there now.

    My suggestion would be to say:

    When seventeen-year-old Gia Kearns is yanked into a portal book, which links the great libraries of the world, she learns she’s a long lost warrior and must now save the world from a wizard hell bent on creating an apocalypse.

    This is a tad bit longer than it should be, but it gets the point across, has a hook, and differentiates this from other paranormals, IMHO. Plus by putting in the age, the agent/editor knows right off the bat this is a YA and they're not going to question you on it. Feel free to ask me if something is confusing.

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  15. Thanks Martina, you all rock here at Adventures in Children's Publishing -- This has been a great experience and I totally already feel like a winner!

    No worries Jessica, you've been such a great help! I love your take on this logline. They totally drive me nuts. This has been an awesome experience and I'm blessed you took the time to participate in this great mentoring program. Thanks bunches! :D

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