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I like the stakes in this pitch! I think maybe you could trim a bit down the last part, and say something like: "..decides to help a runaway he finds living in a tree." because I don't' know how important it is that the tree is in an empty lot? Maybe you could use that word space to connect how this runaway affects his life? Just a suggestion. It just seemed to me that the first part was tight, while the second was a bit wordy. Good luck! :D
I like this pitch and its fresh/unique premise! I agree with Monica regarding the second part--it's a little wordy. You might get more impact if you take out the "empty lot" part and put "a runaway living in a spruce tree in downtown Darlington." Just a thought--good job!
I like the spruce tree part (it's an instant visual which is lovely for such a short pitch) but the empty lot is the part that I'd cut. (Reads Jessica's feedback.) Okay. So I'm useless. :D
I'm going to disagree with everyone and say I like the empty lot part. The reason being: a spruce tree on an empty lot is a much different atmosphere/visual/feeling than a spruce tree, say, in a forest or city park or factory - and while I can't say for sure without reading the book, I think that atmosphere is essential to your story.On the other hand, I don't think the downtown Darlington is necessary.
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This gives us a good idea of the obstacles Hobo faces, but I'd like to see the quest mentioned at the end (cross-country trek.) Hobo's name adds flavor, but it also might be confusing in a logline, since you're talking about a homeless kid, too. This sounds like such a neat book! Best wishes!
I do like your pitch! I agree it could be trimmed a little more. In these cases the shorter, the better. I personally think leaving it there is fine because if it succeeds in gaining someone's curiosity then it's done it's job. You can go on in the letter to explain how he is helping the homeless boy. Nice.
Love the MC's name, love the premise, love the stakes! It's pretty refreshing to see a realistic pitch too.
Really like this pitch--but as mentioned not sure about all the tree detail. I like the rhythm of the text, but unless it plays a big role in the book, I think it should be cut from the pitch. good luck
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