Thursday, September 9, 2010

8 Pitch #10 Natalie Aguirre

Title: The Third Tower
Genre: Middle Grade

When twelve-year-old Jasmine follows a talking doorknob into the land of Myrrdin, she must discover how her adoption unlocks her newly found magical powers or lose her best friend Austin forever.

8 comments:

  1. This is a great start, but how does finding out about how her adoption unlocks her newly found powers save her best friend? It's best to leave names of persons and places out of a logline.

    Maybe something like this but better -->

    After a twelve-year-old girl follows a talking doorknob into a mystical land, she struggles with her new found magic to stop an evil man from destroying the ones she loves.

    Of course, you can do better with it. I hope this helps. Good luck! :D

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  2. This is a bit confusing as written. I was drawn in with this pitch initially by the name Myrrdin, but I am unsure of her powers and what her adoption means and why learning about them keep her from losing her best friend. I'm guessing that she must learn to use her new powers (she adopted) to stop the bad guy and save her friend. I think it would help if you focus on the main conflict. Mentioning the adoption here is not helping and possibly not needed. Or at least, I didn't understand what you meant (until I looked at your previous pitch). I hope that makes sense. Your first line pulled me into what looks like an interesting adventure.

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  3. Hey Natalie! Okay, first I'm going to say that yes, usually in PM taglines, things are way generalized. But I think if you're trying to build an opening sentence that encompasses your book, it's okay to use names.

    So let's tear into what you've got.

    When twelve-year-old Jasmine follows a talking doorknob into a strange land (I agree that the proper noun here is off-putting. Confusing. Tangles up the reader.) the land of Myrrdin, she must discover how her adoption (ah-ha! Here it is. Lose the "she must discover how her adoption" bit. Now, I know you're probably screaming at the screen that the adoption is important. And I'm sure it is. But that's not really the point of the first sentence, or even the query. The point is to get a request. So if it's buried, that won't happen. No screaming!) unlocks her newly found (axe "newly found") magical powers or lose her best friend Austin forever. (Your call on keeping Austin as a named being in this. I'm not feeling anything either way.)

    So chopped up and put back together, it reads: When twelve-year-old Jasmine follows a talking doorknob into a strange land, she must unlock her magical powers or lose her best friend Austin forever.


    You could also go with the popular "she must...in order to" thing, and say, "...she must unlock her magical powers in order to save her best friend." That just makes in more active (IMO) that this girl is actually going to be DOING SOMETHING. She's going to pro, not just tag. Yes?

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  4. What else can I say after Elana works her magic? She's right on. Sounds like a fun story, Natalie.

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  5. Not much to add, except I love the doorknob/unlocking wording. Best of luck!

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  6. Thanks for all your suggestions. I realize like Elana said I was trying to give too much of an overview of the story.

    Thanks Elana for your awesome rewrite of this. I just have to change the last sentence of my query slightly to not repeat it. And no I won't scream at taking out adoption. I realize I was trying to do too much in one sentence. Some of this can come out in the query.

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  7. Love this one: "...she must unlock her magical powers in order to save her best friend." Just delete "in order" and leave "to" (Strunkism) but otherwise this is perfect. YAY!

    Martina

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  8. this is a great start -- but i have to agree with those who've said it reads a bit confusing.

    i think i might rewrite it a bit to reorder the information and trim any extraneous details that don't serve to hook the reader effectively.

    When twelve-year-old Jasmine follows a talking doorknob into another world, she must make a choice: uncover the magic she never knew she had or lose her best friend Austin forever."

    this is just a feeble attempt -- i don't know enough about your story to really make these assumptions about your story. but i think if you keep it simple: here is the protagonist. here are her two choices. this is what happens. it will help significantly, and it will also read more like MG. good vs. evil. magic and friendship.

    it sounds like an amazing story though. i'm sure you'll find a way to make this perfect. best of luck with everything!!

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