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I like the time traveling and knowing the older self of her classmate! :D nice!Maybe name the MC and the new classmate? Like: "[MC], a teenage girl caught in a time traveling conspiracy, must conceal from [name], her new classmate, because she already knows his older self. Or something like that? I mean to avoid tricky pronouns? At first I got a bit confused... or it could be that I needed coffee, lol.HTH
This is interesting--simple but interesting. However, I had to double check when I re-read your initial query, because I wasn't sure it was the same story! This sentence sounds like it's a contemporary-ish setting, where she's met his older self and now has to live in the present while trying to conceal that she knows his older self. (Not as much focus on the time traveling.) The query, on the other hand, focuses on Vera's ability to time travel and the dilemma/consequences of traveling at a too-young age. The dilemma also seems to involve the tangled ties with the Guild, which you make no mention of here in the 1-sentence pitch. I'm thinking it'd be a better representation of your true story if you incorporated a couple of those more exciting or intriguing time-travel elements into your pitch. And yes, as well as Vera's name.
I'd suggest adding something about the stakes at the end of this--what will happen if he finds out the truth?
These suggestions are great! Thank you to those so far. It really helps. :) I've changed my pitch paragraphs since posting it originally, thanks to all the excellent suggestions for improvement I received. I am looking forward to incorporating it with my revised elevator pitch to form a decent query. Again, the stuff you guys are giving me is invaluable.
Suzie - I'm sorry I'm chiming in late!! But I didn't forget you. It is interesting because most of what I've seen are hard to deal with because they are not simplified enough - too cluttered. It seems you have the opposite problem! Which I think is actually a good thing. I would add Vera's name (though I've seen both schools of thought on this). Simple is better though, and what you have down isn't bad. I think what I really want is a hint at the relationship between she and the boy, so I feel her conflict. Does that make sense?Good luck!
I love that this is so to the point, and while it is cool that it leaves me with questions, I do find myself wanting to have a hint abouot that past life. Could add real flavor to the pitch. nice job
Hi! I love the questions posed (what conspiracy? How does she get caught?). I do want to know in this logline her name and how she feels about it. I agree with a previous poster - what are the stakes for knowing the classmate? And what role does he play in her original life, since he's older? how does this complicate how she feels about him now that they're the same age?
Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)