Thursday, August 26, 2010

8 Pitch Entry #48: Charlie Eve

Title: Hero and Villain


Genre: Middle Grade Adventure/Humor/Fantasy

Mason Grey is 12 years old and has always been able to write to life her characters.

Now her neurotic, adventurous cast of characters has taken over her home and inspiration. Hero is constantly dragging his loyal and definitely phobic friend, Sidekick, on his backyard blunders where Sidekick is always on the receiving end of swollen hips and bruised up lips. Villain loves Princess, but has an awfully awkward way of showing it and is convinced that Mason is trying to poison him. Meanwhile bible-beating Gran and her daffodil spray bottle are determined to rid the house of these “abominations” by spraying them all with a daily dose of holy water.

With all the commotion, Mason has lost her inspiration and it is only when Princess is kidnapped by an evil doll collector that she begins to write again. Along the way, Hero and Villain find out Mason is not good at writing under pressure and soon horses become wild boars and saving Princess is no fairytale.

8 comments:

  1. This sounds cute! I like your tweet pitch of it over at Market My Words, by the way.

    Mason Grey is 12 years old and has always been able to write to life her characters. (structurally, maybe 12-year-old Mason Grey has...?)

    Now her neurotic, adventurous cast of characters has taken over her home and inspiration.(how do you take over inspiration? do you mean she has writer's block from trying to deal with them?)

    Hero is constantly dragging his loyal and definitely phobic(phobic of what?) friend, Sidekick, on his backyard blunders where Sidekick is always on the receiving end of swollen hips and bruised up lips. Villain loves Princess, but has an awfully awkward way of showing it (hee!) and is convinced that Mason is trying to poison him. Meanwhile bible-beating Gran and her daffodil spray bottle are determined to rid the house of these “abominations” by spraying them all with a daily dose of holy water. (Cute.)

    With all the commotion, Mason has lost her inspiration (what does this mean? and you mentioned it already)and it is only when Princess is kidnapped by an evil doll collector (where'd he come from?) that she begins to write again. Along the way, Hero and Villain find out Mason is not good at writing under pressure and soon horses become wild boars and saving Princess is no fairytale.

    I like this, but I'm not sure if the story is about Mason or about Hero and Villain.

    Good luck!

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  2. I really liked your pitch, as well! :)

    I really like the story - so much I think that I'm able to overlook the more problematic areas... but then I don't have to read a jillion queries and make an important decision.

    Thought Mason was a boy - totally not sure that matters since it's just my assumption based on name.

    Write to life - that made me stumble. I know what you mean but as with the rest of the query, I'd love if it rolled off my tongue and matched the playful but increasingly chaotic tone of the rest.

    Great concept!

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  3. Awesome storyline!I can see this is gong to have some great twists and turns.

    Mason Grey is 12 years old and has always been able to write to life her characters.( I also like 12-y-o before the name. Write to life, not so much. I'd rather hear something boring like, brings life to her writing/characters. Sometimes gimmicks raise wrong ideas. The words Right to Life kept stalling me.)

    Now her neurotic, adventurous (I'd say take out adventurous it's too much. Hero recalls adventure) (also wacky may be better than neurotic in the pitch. Would kids know what it means?), cast of characters has taken over her home (home period, without inspiration). Hero is constantly dragging his loyal and definitely phobic friend, Sidekick, on his (take out "his") backyard blunders where (while)Sidekick is always on the receiving end of swollen hips and bruised up lips ( I think bruised hips and swollen lips sounds more likely, just mho). Villain loves Princess, but has an awfully awkward way of showing it and is convinced that Mason is trying to poison him. Meanwhile bible-beating Gran and her daffodil spray bottle are determined to rid the house of these “abominations” by spraying them all with a daily dose of holy water.(This is where I'm up in the air. I'd avoid putting anything Christian in the pitch unless you're pitching to C-lit agents. And such a use of holy water might offend some. Not me, but some)

    With all the commotion, Mason has lost her inspiration and it is only when Princess is kidnapped by an evil doll collector that she begins to write again.(That sentence sold me, I have a dark side that likes this kind of stuff.) Along the way, Hero and Villain find out Mason is not good at writing under pressure and soon horses become wild boars and saving Princess is no fairytale. ( Princess is no fairytale, love it! Though the sentence in full is a bit much, try reading aloud to see if you can make it flow better.

    This sounds fun.

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  4. Your first sentence reads awkwardly, but I love the idea. I would move the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph to the first and start the second with HERO. Your characters sound loveable.

    What about the commotion causes Mason to lose her inspiration? What leads Hero and Villain to realize mason is not good under pressure?

    Cute storyline. I am sure this is something young readers would enjoy.

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  5. I really like your story line. I agree with the others' comments, especially what Jess said.

    Perhaps start: Twelve-year old Mason Grey has always been able to bring to life her characters through the words she writes.

    Now her neurotic, adventurous cast of characters has taken over her home cut here. You show the rest later. and inspiration. Hero is constantly dragging his loyal and definitely phobic friend, Sidekick, on his backyard blunders where Sidekick is always on the receiving end of swollen hips and bruised up lips. A little long. Can you tighten this? Villain loves Princess, but has an awfully awkward way of showing it and is convinced that Mason is trying to poison him. Meanwhile bible-beating Gran and her daffodil spray bottle are determined to rid the house of these “abominations” by spraying them all with a daily dose of holy water. I really liked this sentence and could really visualize Gran.

    With all the commotion, Mason has lost her inspiration and it is only when Princess is kidnapped by an evil doll collector that she begins to write again. Good. Along the way, Hero and Villain find out Mason is not good at writing under pressure and soon horses become wild boars and saving Princess is no fairytale. I really like this this last line, but perhaps revise slightly so it's not so long: But soon Mason finds out she's not good at writing under pressure and saving a Princess is no fairytale.

    This is almost there. Good luck.

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  6. Here are my comments:

    >> I agree first sentence is a little awkward, but like the action it conveys. With a little word flipping, I would rewrite to "Twelve year-old Mason Grey has always been able to write her characters to life."

    >> Overall, the next two paragraphs are great and make me want to buy this for my kids. They just need tightened up a bit. So here are my edits.

    Now, her neurotic cast of characters has taken over her home. Hero is constantly dragging his phobic friend, Sidekick, on his backyard blunders where Sidekick is always on the receiving end of swollen hips and bruised lips. Villain loves Princess and is convinced that Mason is trying to poison him. Meanwhile bible-beating Gran and her daffodil spray bottle are determined to rid the house of these “abominations” by spraying them all with a daily dose of holy water.

    With all the commotion, Mason lost her inspiration. It's only when Princess is stolen by an evil doll collector that she begins to write again. But when Hero and Villain team up to save Princess, they soon find out Mason can't write under pressure. When horses become wild boars and (add another example like swords become salamis or whatever's in your story), saving Princess will be no fairytale.

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  7. Thanks Charlie! I really enjoyed your pitch. Here's my breakdown:

    Mason Grey is 12 years old and has always been able to write to life her characters. [I'd structure this more like "Twelve-year-old Mason Grey has always been able to write to her characters to life."]

    Now her neurotic, adventurous cast of characters has taken over her home and inspiration. [I'd cut the "and inspiration since you go into that next. I love the descriptions of her creations but I'd like this paragraph to open by giving us a hint that her characters taking over the house isn't necessarily a good thing – since it does sound kind of fun. Could be as simple as "Unfortunately, her neurotic…" just so we know it's a detriment.] Hero is constantly dragging his loyal and definitely phobic friend, Sidekick, on his backyard blunders where Sidekick is always on the receiving end of swollen hips and bruised up lips. Villain loves Princess, but has an awfully awkward way of showing it and is convinced that Mason is trying to poison him. Meanwhile bible-beating Gran and her daffodil spray bottle are determined to rid the house of these “abominations” by spraying them all with a daily dose of holy water.

    With all the commotion, Mason has lost her inspiration [do to what?] and it is only when Princess is kidnapped by an evil doll collector that she begins to write again. [I'd move the notion that she's lost her inspiration to right up a bit because it wasn't my initial reaction to "lost her inspiration."] Along the way, Hero and Villain find out [I'd cut all this and just start with…] [But] Mason['s] not good at writing under pressure and soon horses become wild boars and saving Princess is no fairytale.

    [Strong idea, well written with a great sense of voice. Remember that it's from Mason's POV (which is why I'd cut that "Hero and Villain find out" because it doesn't matter, from Mason's POV) but other than that, I'd say you're very close!]

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  8. Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement, your feedback was great. I'll get moving on making more revisions.

    Special thanks to Gretchen for stopping by and looking over my work, it is much appreciated. Oh and good job picking up the POV issue in the last paragraph.

    Happy writing, everyone!

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