Thursday, August 26, 2010

7 Pitch Entry #32: Lindsey

Title: requiem


Genre: YA Contemporary
Eighteen-year-old Crick is *that* guy— the one every girl wants to date and every guy wants to be. But when the boy who has everything decides to chase a bottle of Tylenol with a half a handle of vodka, it flips the world on its axis for the people he leaves behind, especially his younger brother Ben.

As if being a social pariah and a recent reform school attendee weren’t enough, Ben believes Crick’s death will only cement his place as the black sheep of the family. But when Ben discovers a note from “M” among his brother’s stuff, two simple words change everything: I’m pregnant. As the days and weeks pass it become apparent that Miriam, the girlfriend Crick left behind, is not pregnant. However, Marissa, the school slut, is.

7 comments:

  1. Eighteen-year-old Crick is *that* guy— the one every girl wants to date and every guy wants to be. But when the boy who has everything decides to chase a bottle of Tylenol with a half a handle of vodka, it flips the world on its axis for the people he leaves behind, especially his younger brother Ben.
    *Good start, but I’d like to see it tighter, and more impassioned. The boy killed himself! Make the reader/listener feel it.*

    As if being a social pariah and a recent reform school attendee weren’t enough, Ben believes Crick’s death will only cement his place as the black sheep of the family. But when Ben discovers a note from “M” among his brother’s stuff, two simple words change everything: I’m pregnant. As the days and weeks pass it become apparent that Miriam, the girlfriend Crick left behind, is not pregnant. However, Marissa, the school slut, is.
    *I like this part, well put together, though the word slut kind rose up and slapped me at the end, and normally, I’m not a wussy reader. Maybe try tramp instead?*

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  2. The first paragraph is tight and very compelling. I'm not sure what a "half a handle" is, but I can infer it's meaning. Non-US slang? I'd probably cut the "younger" description from the last sentence.

    The second paragraph is still good, but isn't as concise as the first. I'd change the opening sentence to be more direct, "Ben believes Crick’s death will cement his place as social pariah and black sheep of the family." I'd cut the "But" from the next sentence.

    Pretty well done in my non-professional opinion. This book hits hard topics, teen suicide, teen pregnancy, and what it means to be good. I think it could be very interesting.

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  3. Since you start off with 18-yr-old Crick, it is automatically assumed this is the main character. However...he kills himself. So then I assumed it would be something about him being a ghost or something. It sounds like it's more like Ben's story, right? If so, focus on Ben in the first paragraph.

    Interesting switch in the discovery of who's pregnant! I had to read it a couple of times to get it, though. That could just be my brain hasn't awakened yet this morning.

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  4. Eighteen-year-old Crick is *that* guy— the one every girl wants to date and every guy wants to be. But when the boy who has everything decides to chase a bottle of Tylenol with a half a handle of vodka, it flips the world on its axis for the people he leaves behind, especially his younger brother Ben. (If it's Ben's story, start with Ben. Well-written, though.)

    As if being a social pariah and a recent reform school attendee weren’t enough, Ben believes Crick’s death will only cement his place as the black sheep of the family.(Really? I don't see how they relate.)

    But when Ben discovers a note from “M” among his brother’s stuff, two simple words change everything: I’m pregnant. As the days and weeks pass (what's going on in the meantime? this makes it sound like nothing happens in your story) it become apparent that Miriam, the girlfriend Crick left behind, is not pregnant. However, Marissa, the school slut, is. (So? What does it mean for Ben? What's Ben's problem here?)

    This is well-written, but it didn't make me care about Ben, nor did it give me an idea what the plot's about. Ben discovers his seemingly perfect brother kills himself after discovering he impregnated the school slut. ... This might sound callous but... And?

    Good luck!

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  5. This sounds like an interesting story!

    These were the things that stood out to me:
    I assumed that this story would be about Crick, because the first paragraph was devoted to him. If this is Ben's story, I want to feel connected to him right away, so maybe try to tie him into the 1st paragraph some way so it's clear that this is his story.

    How does the school slut being pregnant by Crick impact Ben? I want to know how Ben becomes involved in the drama his brother left behind, because that's what's going to make me care about him and his story. Him finding out this secret is interesting (I always love the stories where someone finds out a secret about a loved one after a death), but then what? How does it change his life? What does he have to do? That's what's going to make me care about Ben and want to know more about him.

    Good luck!

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  6. Great voice here!

    Then you did a bait and switch, mildly annoying, but all you have to do is add "Ben's brother" ...

    The voice carries over to the next paragraph, but I'm not sure what the conflict is. So what, the town slut is pregnant. It happens all the time. Doesn't mean it's his brother's baby or does Ben think it is? This needs to be clear. I'm not sure if this a story of a boy wanted to make good on the life his brother left behind, or a boy who wants to clear his brother's name, personally I'm hoping for the first scenario. If that's the case I think calling the girl a slut is out of order.

    Still, the voice is great (Though I don't know what a half handle of vodka is). I can tell this will be an enjoyable read. Kudos

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  7. Well written, but like others have said, I want to know what Ben's story is. What does he want? What does all this mean to him? Does he feel responsible for his brother's mess? Is he going to help "M"? I also wondered why his brother committing suicide would cement him as the black sheep. Does he feel responsible for his brother committing suicide?

    It sounds like you have a great story here. Let us in on it. :D

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