Thursday, August 26, 2010

7 Pitch Entry #29: Jess Pettit

Title: Leeam and the World of Two Moons


Genre: YA Fantasy

Wheelchair-bound fifteen-year old Leeam Locke is lonely and depressed. But when Leeam sees his long-dead cat watching him from the woods one night, he rolls away from his troubles, and into an incredible adventure. After hitting his head on a rock, Leeam wakes again to discover he can walk and that he is taking his first steps in a strange, alternate world.

Leeam quickly falls for a girl named Maybelle, who hails from a tribe of cat-people: shape-shifters who may have more to do with Leeam's childhood than he could imagine. Soon, he discovers that may be the only thing standing between the dying magical races of Maybelle's world and the tyrannical Overseer of Day, a Living God who seeks to exterminate them. But in order to defeat the Overseer, Leeam must uncover the secrets of his own identity and disability. As catastrophe approaches, Leeam has to decide if he is ready to give his life for a world that isn't even his. And, even more horrifying, a world that may not even be real.

7 comments:

  1. I love the premise of this fantasy!

    I think the first paragraph could have used a little more voice. "Lonely and depressed" is a bit vague – can you give a concrete example? The last sentence could be tightened into something like "After hitting his head on a rock, Leeam wakes to discover he can walk and takes his first steps in this strange, alternate world."

    In the second paragraph there’s a word missing in "he discovers that may be". You can also take out words like "Soon" and "But", which clog down the writing.

    Interesting hook at the end. Now I’m wondering where this all takes place!

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  2. Wheelchair-bound fifteen-year old Leeam Locke is lonely and depressed.(telling.) But when Leeam sees his long-dead cat watching him from the woods one night, he rolls away from his troubles,(what troubles?) and into an incredible adventure.

    After hitting his head on a rock,(how's that happen?) Leeam wakes again (again? when did he wake the first time?) to discover he can walk and that he is taking his first steps in a strange, alternate world.

    Leeam quickly falls for a girl named Maybelle, who hails from a tribe of cat-people: shape-shifters who may have more to do with Leeam's childhood than he could imagine.(what about his childhood?)

    Soon, he discovers that may be(maybe, one word) the only thing standing between the dying magical races of Maybelle's world and the tyrannical Overseer of Day, a Living God who seeks to exterminate them.(Who? What? This stuff's kinda thrown in/at us.)

    But in order to defeat the Overseer, Leeam must uncover the secrets of his own identity(cliche) and disability.(how would this defeat the overseer?) As catastrophe approaches,(what catastrophe?) Leeam has to decide if he is ready to give his life for a world that isn't even his. And, even more horrifying, a world that may not even be real. (this last sentence isn't punchy.)

    it's a bit scattered.

    Good luck!

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  3. Your first sentence could be more of a hook with how Leeam became wheelchair bound or how he lost his cat. I want to feel sorry for him, but I am wondering why I should.

    What happens that he hits his head on a rock while sitting in a wheelchair? What about the new world is strange?

    "Soon, he discovers that may be the only thing standing between the dying magical races of Maybelle's world and the tyrannical Overseer of Day, a Living God who seeks to exterminate them. But in order to defeat the Overseer, Leeam must uncover the secrets of his own identity and disability." This is a little confusing.

    I would be careful starting sentences with 'BUT'. In most cases this word can be taken out.

    I like the idea of this story and would want to read more. I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

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  4. I like this concept! Kind of reminds me of Going Bovine.

    I guess I'm left wondering what motivation the MC had to follow a cat into the woods--I'm picturing this to be quite a task given forests generally have uneven ground, roots, and slippery leaves.

    I noticed some vagueness here and there--secrets, discoveries, catastrophe...I'm left wondering why the MC WOULD risk his life because I'm not exactly sure what's at stake or what's important to him.

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  5. I really like this premise!

    Wheelchair-bound fifteen-year old Leeam Locke is lonely and depressed.(I do agree that the "why, could give us a reason to invest in the quirky character of Leeam." I could be short.) But when Leeam sees his long-dead cat watching him from the woods one night, he rolls away from his troubles, * and into an incredible adventure.* I'd cut that because the rest of the query is showing us his adventure that is interesting! After hitting his head on a rock, (I agree with how? I'm assuming it had to do with the wheelchair) Leeam wakes again to discover he can walk and that he is taking his first steps in a strange, alternate world.

    Leeam quickly falls for a girl named Maybelle, who hails from a tribe of cat-people: shape-shifters who may have more to do with Leeam's childhood than he could imagine. (is this also the disability that is later discussed in the query?) Soon, he discovers that *he may be the only thing standing between the dying magical races of Maybelle's world and the tyrannical Overseer of Day, a Living God who seeks to exterminate them. But in order to defeat the Overseer, Leeam must uncover the secrets of his own identity and disability. As catastrophe approaches, Leeam has to decide if he is ready to give his life for a world that isn't even his. And, even more horrifying, a world that may not even be real. (Nice ending!)

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  6. *** I meant childhood where you also have identity later. I thought I wrote that!

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  7. I love that your main character is disabled.

    Perhaps start with: When wheelchair-bound fifteen-year old Leeam sees his long-dead cat watching him from the woods one night, he rolls after him. But after hitting his head on a rock, Leeam wakes to discover he can walk. Even stranger, he's no longer in our world.

    Leeam quickly falls for a girl named Maybelle, who hails from a tribe of cat-people: shape-shifters who may have more to do with Leeam's childhood than he could imagine. Prior sentence is a tad awkward. Soon, he discovers that (what?)may be the only thing standing between the dying magical races of Maybelle's world and the tyrannical Overseer of Day, a Living God (don't need a Living God) who seeks to exterminate them. But in order to defeat the Overseer, Leeam must uncover the secrets of his own identity and disability. I like how his identity and disability ties into this, but can you tell us a bit why? As catastrophe approaches, Leeam has to decide if he is ready to give his life for a world that isn't even his. (I don't think you need the last sentence which I deleted. I was a little confused here. It sounds like he's chosing to die. Or is to sacrifice returning to his old world? Perhaps clarify this.

    This is a neat story line. I love that the main character is a boy and that Maybelle is a tribe of shapeshifters. You just need to explain things a bit. Good luck.

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