Thursday, August 26, 2010

7 Pitch Entry #26: Jamie Manning

Title: EVER


Genre: YA Paranormal

Waking up in a coffin hungry for blood is only the beginning for sixteen-year-old Everly Blue. Things are about to get a lot worse. First, Ever finds out from super hottie Chance that she’s a vampire. Well, half vampire, not that she sees much difference. Then she meets her maker, Devon – the thousand-year-old vampire who turned her into a monster. He gives Ever a tiny shred of hope – kill 100 vampires to save her humanity.

Deciding that being a murderer of the dead is less frightening than being a monster for eternity, Ever sets out to get her life back. But it won’t be easy. She has to deal with her feelings for Chance (who she’s falling for fast), her waning hatred for Devon, some new-found vampire hunting friends and that pesky taste for blood that just won’t go away. In the end, Ever faces a battle – and a decision – that will destroy the ones she loves and change her life forever.

7 comments:

  1. I love the premise of a half-vampire who has to kill other vampires to save her humanity, and of course the immediate tension of having feelings for one of those vampires ups the stakes (ha!) tremendously.

    I’m not a big of fan of a query that defines "First, Then" only because it feels heavy on plot. Consider changing the second and third line to "Things get worse when Ever finds out from … "

    I think your voice shows very clear and the word choices are great.

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  2. The first sentence is definitely catchy, and I love the MC's name. The second sentence seems a little cliche. You say "super hottie Chance" (kind of a mouthful where it's placed in the sentence) but I'm unsure if Chance is a human, a half-vampire, or a vampire. Or something else. I'm surprised it's Devon her maker that gives her the choice to kill vampires, since he IS one. It is rather ironic that she has to kill/murder to save her humanity--but you sum it up nicely in the first sentence of the second paragraph.

    Vampire-hunting would be hyphenated; that makes two hyphenated phrases in a row, which might be more difficult to read. I don't think I want to know that she destroys the ones she loves in the end. It literally says she has a DECISION to destroy them, but it sounds like she does make that decision to do so.

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  3. Waking up in a coffin hungry for blood is only the beginning for sixteen-year-old Everly Blue. (cool - like her name, too.)

    Things are about to get a lot worse. First, Ever finds out from super hottie Chance that she’s a vampire. (Who's he?)

    Well, half vampire, not that she sees much difference. Then she meets her maker, Devon – the thousand-year-old vampire who turned her into a monster. He gives Ever a tiny shred of hope – kill 100 vampires to save her humanity. (Why offer her this if he made her? Why'd he make her if he's going to 'let her go'?)

    Deciding that being a murderer of the dead is less frightening than being a monster for eternity,(no kidding. you could probably cut this.) Ever sets out to get her life back. But it won’t be easy. She has to deal with her feelings for Chance (who she’s falling for fast), her waning hatred for Devon,(why waning?) some new-found vampire hunting friends and that pesky taste for blood that just won’t go away.(this isn't even a series of events. I'd want more showing about the 100-Vampire-Hunt! But that last bit about the pesky taste for blood is GREAT.)

    In the end, Ever faces a battle – and a decision – that will destroy the ones she loves and change her life forever. (cliche. I'd cut this last sentence completely.)

    Nice voice, sounds like a fun book - the challenge to kill vamps to get her humanity back while fighting becoming the monster - tons of potential here, but your pitch isn't making it stand out nearly enough. I definitely think it will once you work on it a bit more. Really cool. I normally hate vamp books on sight.

    Good luck!

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  4. I don't love vampire stories, but I really liked your query. It has great voice.

    Waking up in a coffin hungry for blood is only the beginning for sixteen-year-old Everly Blue. Good first sentence.

    Things are about to get a lot worse. First, Ever finds out from super hottie Chance that she’s a vampire. I agreed with the others that you should describe him differently.

    Well, half vampire, not that she sees much difference. Then she meets her maker, Devon – the thousand-year-old vampire who turned her into a monster. He gives Ever a tiny shred of hope – kill 100 vampires to save her humanity. I liked this paragraph.

    Deciding that being a murderer of the dead is less frightening than being a monster for eternity, Ever sets out to get her life back. But it won’t be easy. She has to deal with her feelings for Chance (who she’s falling for fast), her waning hatred for Devon,(?) some new-found vampire hunting friends and that pesky taste for blood that just won’t go away. Love this last phrase. In the end, Ever faces a battle – and a decision – that will destroy the ones she loves and change her life forever. I think you could just say the choices and not that it will destroy, but could destroy. That way we don't know the end.

    Good query. You just need a little tightening.

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  5. I like this. :-)

    Waking up in a coffin hungry for blood is only the beginning for sixteen-year-old Everly Blue.(Good start...catches attention)

    Things are about to get a lot worse. First, Ever finds out from super hottie Chance that she’s a vampire. (Is Chance a vampire? What connection does he have with her?)

    Well, half vampire, not that she sees much difference. (Is the difference important? Worth mentioning here?)

    Then she meets her maker, Devon – the thousand-year-old vampire who turned her into a monster. He gives Ever a tiny shred of hope – kill 100 vampires to save her humanity. (Like the others, I like that she has to kill for her humanity, but I'm also curious why the one who made her would offer her this deal. What's in it for him? Why did he make her if he's just going to let her go back? I think we could use a little more insight about his motivation for this deal.)

    Deciding that being a murderer of the dead is less frightening than being a monster for eternity, Ever sets out to get her life back. But it won’t be easy. She has to deal with her feelings for Chance (who she’s falling for fast), her waning (I'm also thrown by this word...why is it waning?) hatred for Devon, some new-found vampire hunting friends and that pesky taste for blood that just won’t go away. (This is a good voicey line)

    In the end, Ever faces a battle – and a decision – that will destroy the ones she loves and change her life forever. (This is a little vague...I'd like to know a little more about what is at stake for her.)

    Great job!

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  6. I love the premise too, and I like her choice of having to stay a monster or kill 100 vampires. You did a good job setting up the story for us. I did have one question in the first paragraph. After you say: "Well, half vampire, not that she sees much difference." I want to know why is a half vampire not much difference and what is it? You explain it in the 2nd paragraph, but that's too far away. I'd either leave it out of the first paragraph or somehow explain the thought in the first paragraph without being too repetitious.

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  7. Apologies for lateness; my work week just ended last night. :)

    --

    Waking up in a coffin hungry for blood is only the beginning for sixteen-year-old Everly Blue. Things are about to get a lot worse. First, Ever finds out from super hottie Chance that she’s a vampire. Well, half vampire, not that she sees much difference.

    --

    We don't know what a half-vampire is. It's unique to your world and differentiates you from the gazillion other vampire stories, so it shouldn't just be brushed off. Tell us what that means.

    --

    Then she meets her maker, Devon – the thousand-year-old vampire who turned her into a monster. He gives Ever a tiny shred of hope – kill 100 vampires to save her humanity.

    --

    Ahh, k. So she's not quite transitioned yet. But why would this old vampire dude want her to kill other vampires? Are they at odds with each other? If so, it'd be good to know. It'd add more tension. If it's just on a whim, that doesn't have as much purpose, unless this is something he does over and over and over again for his own amusement--in which case, let us know. That would add intrigue as well.

    --

    Deciding that being a murderer of the dead is less frightening than being a monster for eternity, Ever sets out to get her life back.

    --

    This could be shorter. Maybe something like, "Murdering the dead is less frightening than being one of them for eternity, so Ever..."

    --

    But it won’t be easy. She has to deal with her feelings for Chance (who she’s falling for fast)

    --

    Why is she falling for him? I can't just take your word for it. Give me a reason.

    --

    ...her waning hatred for Devon, some new-found vampire hunting friends and that pesky taste for blood that just won’t go away.

    --

    I'd take out 'just' because it works as well without it. Why is her hatred waning? What has he done to redeem himself? If I knew specifics instead of generalities, it'd catch my interest much more.

    --

    In the end, Ever faces a battle – and a decision – that will destroy the ones she loves and change her life forever.

    --

    What decision? Whether to stay vamp? Let us know. I have to know what's at stake before it moves me.

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