Thursday, August 26, 2010

9 Pitch Entry #24: Carol Riggs

Title: SHAPERS


Genre: YA light science fiction

In 2039, seventeen-year-old Morgan Dey accepts the job of Shaper at an innovative weight-loss clinic. There, the transformation from flabby to fabulous is made possible by temporarily replacing a patient's brain waves with a Shaper's, enabling the workers to do all the strenuous work of losing the extra pounds. Morgan "borrows" a body, whips it into shape, and vows never to do that kind of sweaty, grueling work again.
But there's a catch. Morgan doesn't remember anything she did while in the other body. So when Jodine Kowalczyk checks in at 100 pounds overweight, Morgan eagerly signs up to help her lose that weight. Complications soon arise and multiply in the form of a live-in chef, an aggressive trio of Jodine's enemies, and isolated loneliness. Around the time Morgan-as-Jodine stumbles into an unlikely romance, anti-Shaper protestors become increasingly violent, turning from heckling to bombings.

Then, as Morgan makes a horrifying discovery at the heart of the clinic, she stands to lose not only her new job, but her life as well.

9 comments:

  1. Ok I liked the premise however I feel this needs a little bit of tweaking (as if tweaking for not a neverending process lol.
    The beginning starts good but after that I feel you crammed everything together and it got a little hard to read.
    Here is my take on it:

    Seventeen-year-old Morgan Dey accepts the job of Shaper at an innovative weight-loss clinic. (BAM here is right off an innovative concept)
    In 2039, the transformation from flabby to fabulous is made possible by temporarily replacing a patient's brain waves with a Shaper's, a worker hired to do all the strenuous work of losing the extra pounds.

    (Morgan "borrows" a body, whips it into shape, and vows never to do that kind of sweaty, grueling work again.) This got me extremely confused, paticularly when you follow it with the next two sentences when Morgan borrows another body.

    But there's a catch. The Shaper doesn't remember anything she did while in the other body.
    So when Jodine Kowalczyk checks in at 100 pounds overweight, Morgan eagerly signs up to help her lose that weight. But complications soon arise.

    (multiply in the form of a live-in chef, an aggressive trio of Jodine's enemies, and isolated loneliness.)I would reword this, detail it more, make the obstacles more interesting, add some voice.

    Around the time Morgan-as-Jodine stumbles into an unlikely romance(add some detail, why is it unlikely, spice it up), (anti-Shaper protestors become increasingly violent, turning from heckling to bombings.) I would get rid of this or put it in the previous paragraph with the other problems. Otherwise, it took away from the romance.

    Then, as Morgan makes a horrifying discovery at the heart of the clinic, she stands to lose not only her new job, but her life as well. (This is too vague, pinpoint the conflict, make the reader want to know what she faces and how she will deal with it. Maybe say what she found, and how she doesn't know how to deal with her romance or something)

    Hope this helps. The premise is great in my opinion, just polish it some more, it is well worth the time.

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  3. Sign me up for Shapers! What a great idea to hire someone to transform your bod from flab to fab. And, of course, something wicked is going to happen and our heroine is going to figure it out.

    But the query goes off track just a bit. Morgan vows never to do transformation work again, yet she eagerly signs on for Jodine's case. Why? Is it because she doesn't remember? I'd like something tying why her time as Jodine is pertinent to the clinic discovery, particularly if she doesn't remember it.

    I would definitely want to read more of this to find out what happens and what the big secret is. I would just caution that the plot points have to meld properly.

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  4. In 2039, seventeen-year-old Morgan Dey accepts the job of Shaper at an innovative weight-loss clinic. There, the transformation from flabby to fabulous is made possible by temporarily replacing a patient's brain waves with a Shaper's, enabling the workers to do all the strenuous work of losing the extra pounds. (really cool premise)

    Morgan "borrows" a body, whips it into shape, and vows never to do that kind of sweaty, grueling work again. (I'd cut this.)

    But there's a catch. Morgan doesn't remember anything she did while in the other body. So when Jodine Kowalczyk checks in at 100 pounds overweight, Morgan eagerly (why eagerly?) signs up to help her lose that weight. Complications soon arise and multiply in the form of a live-in chef, an aggressive trio of Jodine's enemies, and isolated loneliness. (I dunno, I never tend to like lists like these. And SAYING 'complications arise' is clunky.)

    Around the time Morgan-as-Jodine stumbles into an unlikely romance, anti-Shaper protest(E)rs (spell-check!) become increasingly violent, turning from heckling to bombings. (See? THIS is good shown complication.)

    Then, as Morgan makes a horrifying discovery at the heart of the clinic, she stands to lose not only her new job, but her life as well. (Eh. Needs a better wrap-up. This is cliche, and I don't follow - is she still Jodine? Does she succeed for Jodine? I'm a TAD confused.)

    Really do love the premise.

    Good luck!

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  5. Spell Check is totally fine with protestor; it's an alternate spelling of protester. Kinda like advisor versus adviser. But I suppose I should stick to a spelling that agents won't THINK is misspelled.

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  6. It showed up with a squiggle underneath, Carol, so I pointed it out. Google asks me if I mean 'protester' but does show definitions of it. *shrug*

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  7. Love the premise here! Shapers doing all the work at a weight-loss clinic? Very creative idea – If you could bottle that in reality, you’d be rich.

    I’m not sure if you should label your genre "YA light science fiction" or just "YA Science Fiction". My preference would be "YA Science Fiction". I think your query is a little vague and confusing, but nothing a little tweaking can’t fix. I think you might just be jumping around from one fact to another too quickly, and trying to jam too much information into some of your sentences. How about something like this?...

    ***
    In 2039, seventeen-year-old Morgan Dey accepts the job of Shaper at an innovative weight-loss clinic. There, the transformation from flabby to fabulous is made possible by temporarily replacing a patient's brain waves with a Shaper's. Morgan "borrows" a body, whips it into shape, and vows never to do that kind of sweaty, grueling work again.

    But there's a catch. Morgan doesn't remember anything she did while in the other body. So when a new client, Jodine Kowalczyk, checks in at 100 pounds overweight, Morgan eagerly signs up to be her Shaper. Complications arise and multiply. Around the time that Morgan-as-Jodine stumbles into an unlikely romance, anti-Shaper protestors become increasingly violent, turning from heckling to bombings. Then, as Morgan makes a horrifying discovery at the heart of the clinic, she stands to lose not only her new job, but her life as well.

    ***
    Good luck with your book! It sounds great, very intriguing!

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  8. Very cool premise! Comments in parentheses:

    In 2039, seventeen-year-old Morgan Dey accepts the job of Shaper at an innovative weight-loss clinic. There, the transformation from flabby to fabulous is made possible by temporarily replacing a patient's brain waves with a Shaper's, enabling the workers to do all the strenuous work of losing the extra pounds. Morgan "borrows" a body, whips it into shape, and vows never to do that kind of sweaty, grueling work again.
    (This is such a neat premise.)
    But there's a catch. Morgan doesn't remember anything she did while in the other body. So when Jodine Kowalczyk checks in at 100 pounds overweight, Morgan eagerly signs up to help her lose that weight.
    (I'm confused. I thought she didn't want to do it again?)
    Complications soon arise and multiply in the form of a live-in chef, an aggressive trio of Jodine's enemies, and isolated loneliness.
    (This is too list-y, and I don't really understand how a live-in chef is a complication...)
    Around the time Morgan-as-Jodine stumbles into an unlikely romance, anti-Shaper protestors become increasingly violent, turning from heckling to bombings.

    Then, as Morgan makes a horrifying discovery at the heart of the clinic, she stands to lose not only her new job, but her life as well. (I agree with another commenter that we need to know if Morgan is herself or still Jodine.)

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  9. Very cool idea to have a weight loss clinic where you get someone else to do all the work and you come out looking fabulous. Sign me up!
    The first paragraph is great. We get the premise, and we also get that Morgan thinks her job sucks (which is hilarious because working out, well, sometimes really sucks!)
    But then the query derails a bit. She signs up to do it again? Why? And then we move into a vague bit about her life as Jodine. I feel like we need some solid details about why this is important to the plot. Then we have a romance and bombings in the same sentence, and I'm really thrown off. And finally we finish with a horrible discovery, but again no details.
    I feel like the plot may be a bit thin, but that is probably because of a lack of grounding detail.
    You're close, I think a little bit of reworking and clarifying will do wonders for this query, and really let the unique concept shine through.
    All the best!

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