Thursday, August 26, 2010

10 Pitch Entry #10: Natalie Aguirre

Title: THE THIRD TOWER


Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy

When twelve-year-old Jasmine and her best friend Austin follow a talking doorknob into the land of Myrrdin, they’re shocked to learn everyone believes she inherited her adoptive great-grandmother’s ability to perform spells. That’s impossible. She was adopted from China as a baby. Soon, their lives take a dangerous turn after they discover Glazdick, an evil man out for revenge, is desperately searching for a wand-like weapon he needs to destroy Myrrdin’s magic and become king. But he can’t use it without Jasmine’s magical powers.

The clock is ticking for Jasmine and Austin to find the magical weapon before Glazdick steals it. But finding it is not enough. Glazdick is hunting for them too. And he’ll stop at nothing—even utilizing Austin as a pawn—to make Jasmine help him. Now Jasmine must discover how her adoption unlocks her newly found magical powers or face a terrible choice: cooperate in Glazdick’s evil plot or lose Austin forever.

10 comments:

  1. Hilarious opening with that first line, I mean, a talking doorknob. I love it! I do have a couple of suggestions. [brackets] indicates delete.

    When twelve-year-old Jasmine and her best friend Austin follow a talking doorknob into the land of Myrrdin, they’re shocked to learn everyone believes she inherited her adoptive great-grandmother’s ability to perform spells. THEY APPARENTLY DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS ADOPTED FROM CHINA AS A BABY[That’s impossible. She was adopted from China as a baby]. Soon, their lives take a dangerous turn WHEN[after] they discover Glazdick, an evil man out for revenge, is desperately searching for a wand-like weapon [he needs] to destroy Myrrdin’s magic and become king. [But he can’t use it without Jasmine’s magical powers.] WITHOUT MENTIONING THAT HE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT JASMINE, THIS READS A LITTLE AWKWARD]

    [The clock is ticking for]A LITTLE CLICHE Jasmine and Austin MUST[to] find the magical weapon before Glazdick CAN USE IT TO BECOME KING[steals it]. But finding THE WAND[it] is not enough. Glazdick is hunting for JESMINE TO USE HER POWERS TO UNLOCK THE MAGIC IN THE WAND[them too]. And he’ll stop at nothing—even utilizing Austin as a pawn—to make Jasmine help him. [Now] Jasmine must discover how her adoption unlocks her [newly found] magical powers or face a terrible choice: cooperate in Glazdick’s evil plot or lose Austin forever. STRONG ENDING!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The talking doorknob gave me a really strong visual of Alice in Wonderland.

    I really like the fact that she's supposed to inherit something and turns out to be adopted. Sounds like a really interesting book!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I, too, thought instantly of Alice in Wonderland. This is a strong query with an interesting premise (the adoption really adds to it). I think you might break the first sentence into two. Other than that, and the few clarifications Shellie mentioned, I think this works. It sounds like an exciting and fast-paced read!

    Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  4. When twelve-year-old Jasmine and her best friend Austin follow a talking doorknob into the land of Myrrdin, they’re shocked to learn everyone believes she inherited her adoptive great-grandmother’s ability to perform spells. (THAT's what's shocking? Not, say, the world behind the door? or the talking doorknob that gets them there?! perhaps too much in one sentence?)

    That’s impossible. She was adopted from China as a baby. Soon, their lives take a dangerous turn (cliche) after they discover Glazdick, an evil man out for revenge,(against whom?) is desperately searching for a wand-like weapon he needs to destroy Myrrdin’s magic and become king.(I thought he wanted revenge?) But he can’t use it without Jasmine’s magical powers.(why? what's her power? the spell thing?)

    The clock is ticking (cliche) for Jasmine and Austin to find the magical weapon before Glazdick steals it. But finding it is not enough. Glazdick is hunting for them too. And he’ll stop at nothing—even utilizing Austin as a pawn—to make Jasmine help him.(good.)

    Now Jasmine must discover how her adoption unlocks her newly found magical powers(huh? I thought she's in some other world, what does her adoption have to do with anything??) or face a terrible choice: cooperate in Glazdick’s evil plot or lose Austin forever.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This sounds like exactly the sort of book I LOVED when I read MG. The pitch definitely made me smile for that reason. What I’m left wondering, though, is what makes this book different from the other epic fantasy books out there? There’s magic doorways and evil tyrants-to-be and so on, but I know there’s something here we haven’t seen before.

    I love the idea that she’s inherited her magic from her great-grandmother despite being adopted, and that feels fresh, so I kind of want to see more about that.

    I really agree with what Jess said about the first sentence, though. I think there are a few too many ideas shoved into one sentence there, making it difficult for a new reader to follow with ease. Maybe clarify the first sentence by breaking it into two or shortening it?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I like the idea!!...talking doorknob : ) When they get there, is she famous for these powers? Are Glazdick and Jasmine/Austin all going for the wand-like weapon(does it have a name)? So she does have magical powers? I was confused because she doesn't think she has them, but at the end she does. I agree with a bit more detail as to what they are-that could really make the book different! I KNOW it's hard to get it all in the word count : )

    ReplyDelete
  7. When twelve-year-old Jasmine and her best friend Austin follow a talking doorknob into the land of Myrrdin, they’re shocked to learn everyone believes she inherited her adoptive great-grandmother’s ability to perform spells. That’s impossible.(Personally, once I start following a talking doorknob, all bets on possible vs. impossible are off. Might want to drop the shock, actually, and just say "When twelve-year-old Jasmine and her best friend Austin follow a talking doorknob into the land of Myrrdin, everyone believes she inherited her adoptive great-grandmother’s ability to perform spells. But that's impossible…") She was adopted from China as a baby. Soon, their lives take a dangerous turn (vague -- any specifics?) after they discover Glazdick, an evil man out for revenge, is desperately searching for a wand-like weapon he needs to destroy Myrrdin’s magic and become king. But he can’t use it without Jasmine’s magical powers. (Which we're not sure she has?)

    The clock is ticking (vague -- how much time?) for Jasmine and Austin to find the magical weapon (might be nice to name this object) before Glazdick steals it. But finding it is not enough. Glazdick is hunting for them too. And he’ll stop at nothing—even utilizing Austin as a pawn—to make Jasmine help him. Now Jasmine must discover how her adoption unlocks her newly found magical powers or face a terrible choice: cooperate in Glazdick’s evil plot or lose Austin forever.

    The premise is really nice. I love how Jasmine could have inherited magic powers even through adoption.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i LOVED the "talking doorknob" thing, though i do think the opening line was a bit of a mouthful. maybe break it up (or prune it). in any case, i knew immediately that i was reading an MG pitch, and i was already pulled into the story.

    my only concern is that i'm a bit confused. i don't understand Jasmine's power and why it's significant. why does Glazdick want revenge? why are two 12-year-olds the only ones capable of stopping him? where are their parents? the government? why is the King doing nothing to protect himself?

    but really though? i love love loved these kinds of stories when i was a kid. a talking doorknob with an entryway into another world?

    you've got something really fantastic here. don't let this one go.

    best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I LOVE the idea of a talking doorknob and that Jasmine is adopted. Overall, I think you've got a great story here.

    But...

    I had an awful reaction to Glazdick's name. I mean no offense in saying so, but I was all caught up in Jasmine's 'inherited abilities, that she's adopted, and the land of Myrrdin, and then suddenly there's a man named Glazdick searching for a 'wand-like weapon' and he's chasing a twelve year old. I didn't want to take it the wrong way. You obviously didn't mean it the wrong way, but that was just my first reaction to his name and the presence of a 'wand-like' weapon.

    I'd suggest changing Glazdick's name, or at least changing the way you refer to whatever the magical artifact is. The combination of the two just bothers me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. I've been struggling with my first line especially. Definitely you all gave me some good suggestions for improving my query. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete

Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)