Tuesday, July 13, 2010

3 #95 Stefanie

The newspapers all said it was an accident. That there was no reason to suspect any foul play had been involved. That the lake was swollen from the recent rains, and he hadn’t been a particularly strong swimmer to begin with. It was tragic, yeah—but things like this happened.

My mom’s hand rested lightly on my shoulder, in what I think was an attempt to be comforting.

3 comments:

  1. Good start in that obviously this is a compelling tragedy that begins in this main character's life. Kind of a "punch in the gut" kind of opening. One thing that strikes me about the first paragraph is that it does have a lot of weak was/to be verbs, which tends to dilute the strength of a passage and makes it more passive and feel more distant. Perhaps more active, gut-wrenching verbs could be introduced there, to see it thru the MC's eyes and feel what he/she is feeling (or to up the emotional impact of the passage). On the other hand, maybe what the MC is feeling is shock, and there hasn't been time for his/her reaction. I do like that there's an implication that there might be more involved than an "accident." Adds more conflict and interest that way.

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  2. I agree with Carol. I think all you need is a little tightening and you'll have something really great. Good job :)

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  3. Thank you guys! I really appreciate the input :)

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