Tuesday, July 6, 2010

7 #81 Carol Riggs

Day #236: Status log...Dark Troy emerges from the rest station, yet finds himself still stranded in the High Desert with the zombie villagers. De-materialization and transportation to another realm: failed. Life force at 70%, need nourishment soon, supplies low.

Whap!

Dark Troy flinched and looked up into the beady eyes of the Dragon Taskmaster, whose frown pinned him to his seat like a wingless gareeda fly.

7 comments:

  1. Ok, I have to explain that this is a contemporary novel rather than a fantasy one. Troy roleplays his life like a video game to cope with his mother's desertion; the first paragraph would be in a diff font to indicate him writing in his log journal.

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  2. I like this! I'm guessing the cut was a subjective taste issue here.

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  3. Carol - Is this YA or MG? I was guessing this was YA SF or dystopian. Now that you've explained contemporary, I'm even more intrigued.

    I suggest that you play around with punctuation word order, and word choice. You could try something neutral, like this:
    "Day #236. Dark Troy status log. Life force at 70%. Food supplies low. Emergence from rest station: successful. Zombie de-materialization: failed. Zombie villagers continue to inhabit the High Desert.

    But, IMHO, 1st person would give you flexibility to show the emotional development of your MC, and effectively contrast with the objective 3rd person narrator that you hint at with your 3rd para.

    Something like this:
    "Zombie villagers continue to surround me. My attempts at de-materialization and transport to another realm have failed. My life force is only at 70% now, and my food supplies are low. I must find nourishment soon."

    Written in 1st person, DT's log gives us a window inside his head and connects his role-playing to his emotional journey. *shrug*

    Last little nit-picky thing - unless you're going to explain what happened, remove "Whap!"

    I would look forward to reading more. I like opportunities to see the world through a boy's lens, and this story promises to show me two!
    Good luck, and keep writing.

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  4. Interesting, the first person idea for the log entries--I rather like that! I will check that out and see if it works. Btw, I do explain the Whap source in the 6th sentence--his history teacher (Dragon Taskmaster) slapping a rolled-up magazine upon his desk. If anyone's interested, I had great fun making a book trailer of this novel, at:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaZ5fa45cig

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  5. I very much like Melissa's suggestions. I was a little confused by the switch from present to past tense - before I realized it was a log. Melissa's word order/punctuation cleared that up. Very interesting. I would definitely read on.

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  6. Hi Carol,

    I'm interested in the premise and you do a nice job of evoking an image of Troy's world. I was a little put off by the log entry as the beginning sentence, but I think if it was in 1st person, it would be more effective. Melissa's suggestions of rewording are great. I would read on, as well.

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  7. Hmm. I do like the premise. I like that the Whap is the teacher interrupting his world, but I think you ought to tell us that sooner. I love the idea of first person in the log. It works well. Maybe take us into the real world for the first time with the Whap. (also I'd personally eliminate the exclamation and go for italics). If you go too long without cluing the reader in, you're asking for trouble and potential loss of readers. I really do like the idea. :)

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