Tuesday, July 13, 2010

2 #78 Kelly Hashway

I’d heard of signs of the apocalypse, but I didn’t know that one of them was a crazy guy wandering out of a forest and into my favorite hangout. Okay, it wasn’t exactly the end of the world, but it was the end of the life I’d known for the past twelve years.

It started like any other day off from school. My sister, Holly, and I had gone to the park to try out the new bike ramps, and I was about to climb the biggest ramp when the vision hit me. Some people might think having visions was cool, but for me it was a curse.


  1. I think this is a catchy first line, but I did expect the action/story to start right THERE, or perhaps backing up very slightly to catch the reader up to speed (and maybe the latter is what you have, actually). And I'm a little confused how the 2 paragraphs relate; the 2nd one feels like a tangent bunny trail thing almost. Is her/his vision about the crazy guy? I'm wondering if you should just start with the present action and ignore the initial teaser paragraph. It kinda depends on how long you tangent/backflash to where the action is really happening, which I don't know without reading further. Btw, I'm assuming this is Middle Grade, since your MC is 12 years old. It's really cool about the visions and the apocalypse though; that sounds intriguing!

  2. Love the voice here. I'd definitely read on :)


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