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I like this. I want to know where it's going and how it can be a bad thing. Immediately the reader might not have sympathy :-) But if you can show something really fresh here, an alternate perspective, it could be really great. Good luck
Your first line is absolutely poetic. It has an ethereal quality to it, that can only be corrupted by further explanation. I would remove your 2nd sentence as superfluous. 3rd sentence is spot-on and introduces us to your character's personality. Keep it. Now, it reads: "I am told it is wonderful to be beautiful. But I disagree."Do you need the next line? ("People are blinded by beauty.") Does it foreshadow an essential element of your story? If it's not essential, you might want to cut it, or you could leave it. *shrug*Your 5th line is our introduction to what could be an unsympathetic MC. You can overcome that perception though, by not revealing too much, too soon.My suggestion is to keep your 1st and 3rd lines and then delve into your story. From the lines you've written, I'm inferring that you mean to make us question beauty on the outside versus the inside. If that's true, you might want to consider not telling us what your MC looks like until later - if at all, and let us come to our own conclusions.Main thing, Hanna, is that your prose already is gorgeous and the way it fits your story is sublime.
I agree, your first line is wonderful. It definitely sets the tone well, and draws you right in. The only thing I noticed was a rhyming rhythm.disagree. beauty. me, see. See what I mean? I love what you're saying, but if you change up the ending word so you don't have this pattern, it will read more smoothly.
Melissa said it perfectly. When I read the first line, I immediately get an image of a girl who is not beautiful. With the second line, I'm not sure. It feels clunky. The third line makes me realize she is beautiful and we can go from there.If it read: I am told it is wonderful to be beautiful. But I disagree.We get a better picture and already a sense of the narrator's voice and personality.
I, too, thought the MC was not beautiful until the very last line. I was wondering if there could be a smoother transition and a way to create more sympathy for your character and came up with:"They tell me how lucky I am to be beautiful. That there is nothing better in the world than a pretty face. But they don't realize the dark side of beauty. The side that blinds everyone around me until they can't see me at all - the girl buried beneath the skin."Just a suggestion :) Use what you like and toss out what you don't. Great job, btw! I'd definitely read on.
Hi Hanna,I'm intrigued! I definitely want to read more and your voice is strong. The only thing that gets in the way is your second sentence - I don't think you need it. Otherwise, nice job!
Suzanne, Melissa, Holly, L.J., Cole, and Riley:I don't know what the etiquette would be for this sort of thing, but I just wanted to drop by and say Thank You for all your feedback. I've been working on some serious revisions the past month, and your comments have verified some of my suspicions, and brought others to light. Very helpful. You've nudged my thoughts in a good direction. So, a very earnest thanks to you all. I truly appreciate your taking the time to comment. Yours most sincerely,Hanna
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