Tuesday, July 6, 2010

7 #63 brendao

If this were a movie, you’d be hearing an Elvis tune right now, the soundtrack to my life. Mom says she gave birth to me serenaded by his love song, “The Twelfth of Never,” and when I entered the world crying in perfect harmony she named me Presley.

I try to enjoy The King’s music as any self-respecting eighth-grade girl would -- secretly -- but Mom is Elvis crazy, as in she bought a potato chip on eBay for its likeness to his facial profile. If you squint, one burnt edge resembles his hair and those thick sideburns from the 1970s, when he was heavy and wore the sparkly one-piece outfits.

She had the potato chip shellacked, and she keeps it on a tiny foam pad in a clear plastic display box on her desk at work -- which also happens to be at my school.

7 comments:

  1. Hi bredao-

    I really love this beginning! It has humor and a lovely quirkiness and I want to keep reading! I really only have minor suggestions. I am not familiar with the song "The Twelfth of Never"- so I'm guessing a lot of young readers won't be either. I would pick an Elvis song that's more famous- just to avoid any hangup of the reader's attention. The third sentence is quite long and I would consider breaking it up and shortening: a period after secretly, then: Mom is Elvis crazy. She even bought a potato chip on Ebay that looked like him....
    I think this would give a little more variety and tempo to the sentences.
    But these are minor picks- Great job!

    Maurissa

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  2. I like this, too. My suggestions are similar to Maurissa's, since I think you could maybe tighten the opening sentences to be a little more succinct. Setup-wise, I love it--the voice is great and the potato chip factoid is a terrific way to show that the mc's mom is her middle school principal.

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  3. I have to agree with the above two comments...particularly Maurissa's about the third sentence.

    I do love this though, your MC has a very distinct voice which is so instantly likable, it attracts me to the story.

    Nice!

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  4. brendao - quirky story, rock on!

    You mention, right off the bat, that Elvis songs provide the soundtrack to your MC's life - and yet, you've only given us one example, birth. How about another couple of equally poignant and quirky examples? Providing those, we are led into a deeper connection with the mom who buys the chip off of Ebay; we understand that this chip is not some funny whim of hers, it really means something important to her. I agree with the above comments, this ebay paragraph could be streamlined.

    I love how you started the third paragraph, I feel that there needs to be another phrase there at the end, though. You're leaving me hanging! "...which also happens to be my school" AND WHERE WHAT?

    Seriously, what?? :) Love your MC's voice. I'd read more.

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  5. I'm a pretty big Elvis fan myself, and I've never heard that song. But I love the quirky voice of the MC. If this background info keeps going though, I might be a little turned off. So far, so good!

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  6. I'm going to echo everyone here in that I think this story has great pototential. While reading through this, the only thing I really stumbled over were the sentences themselves - some long and awkward. I think a little sentence tightening is all you'll need to really get your opening to pop!
    Example
    Before - "If this were a movie, you’d be hearing an Elvis tune right now, the soundtrack to my life."
    After - "If my life were a movie, the soundtrack would be entirely Elvis."

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  7. Wow. Thanks so much for this opportunity; these comments have been extremely helpful! I'm glad I found your blog -- not only for this contest but for all of the inspiring stuff to be found here!

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