Tuesday, July 13, 2010

5 #46 CL

What kind of animal sounds like a woman singing?

The beach was empty of people, but the air was filled with a haunting melody. It flew across the sea, bounced off the pounding surf and blew around me like an eerie sea-breeze as I walked along the shore. Slanting rays of sunset splashed the horizon pink and orange as gentle wavelets licked at my feet.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

5 comments:

  1. This has a lovely, eerie feeling to it. Just my kind of story! And the imagery is beautiful!
    The three different segments threw my off a bit though. It's so hard to judge by such a small snippet- but readers really do pick up a book, read a sentence or two, and then either put it down or keep reading right? So I'll try to pick apart my reactions...
    The first sentence while intriguing, seems out of place here. It doesn't make any sense with what follows. If the main character hears the sound of a woman singing why would she immediately assume it's an animal?
    Later yes, she could discover this, but I would leave that first sentence until later.
    I love the next part- but would rearrange the sentences to show the MC walking on the beautiful, empty beach. Then hear the haunting sounds of a woman singing. Then be perplexed as to where it's coming from.
    Step by step, the reader has to experience these things in the sequence that the MC does. I thought the Slanting rays... sentence was picture perfect!
    The last sentence confused me. I didn't know if it was meant to be sarcastic or not. I didn't know what was supposed to sound great
    Spending time on a beautiful beach alone, or hearing an eerie singing voice out of nowhere?
    I love the feeling of this beginning and the possibilities ahead of fantasy or paranormal stuff going on at the beach. Good luck!

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  2. Really nice! It was the kind of passage that makes me hold my breath until I'm finished reading it...

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  3. I tend to agree about the first sentence, and think this would read fine and even better without it. There is a nice lyrical, poetic sound to the writing; very nice. I like the word "wavelets"--NEAT!

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  4. I agree with Maurissa in that I want to know why the MC automatically assumes it's an animal. If I heard singing on an empty beach, I'd assume someone was hiding or out of sight.

    Also, keep an eye on those pesky passive words.
    Example: "but the air WAS filled with a haunting melody"

    I love the eerie tone you've set. Great job :)
    Fix: "but a hunting melody filled the air."

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  5. Thank you for all your helpful advice! I really appreciate your insightful feedback.

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