Tuesday, July 20, 2010

2 #27 salarsenッ

The challenge began like all the rest, although the dead corpse-look was different. Ana wished she could ignore it, pretend it didn’t exist, but that never worked. She could feel them.

The Three rounded the corner of the math wing, one boy glancing up, eyes black as night and hair light as the sun. Afternoon sunlight snuck through open doorways intermittently spraying his chalky complexion and erasing his zombie veneer. A halo of gold washed over him.

Ana blinked, eyelids dipping, lashes barely touching. She glanced at the archaic-looking (and very manly) tattoo branding his lower forearm. A silent gasp rushed up her throat and slammed into the back of her teeth. Why were the weird ones so yummy? She rubbed the amulet dangling from her neckline and felt his exhale from across the hall.

Be cool.

She leaned on the closest locker, cold metal riding the side of her arm, suede satchel swaying by her hip. His energy came in a wave. She sighed, hating these challenges and that she was the only one taking them; Mem had taught her to focus. Keep quiet. Be inconspicuous. Her jaw clenched when the first touch had its way with her, creeping over her skin, teasing the teeny hairs on her arm.

She scanned the boy next to him. His oversized hoodie shadowed his face from forehead to chest. He had that grungy model-look going on. A petite girl leaned against him, her cropped haircut tinted in bold brunette and one stripe of fuchsia.


  1. I love the tone. I'm intrigued. But there are a lot of questions presented here, I'm hoping that from here on in it doesn't get too confusing before some of what's going down is clarified.
    My biggest question isn't just who are they, but are they dead? You say in the second line the dead-corpse look was different. I originally took that to mean the dead-corpse's look was different from the normal look of a dead-corpse. :)Then you mention his zombie/chalk skin. Honestly, I had to read it twice. Otherwise it was great. i definitely want to read more.

  2. The passage is definitely intriguing, but a little confusing. I think that some of the description is overdone and it impedes the flow of your writing. I felt like the details of “the Three” are very important to the main character and to whatever her situation is, but the long list of physical description makes the story difficult to follow, especially the sentences that begin “Afternoon sunlight…” I had a difficult time following the main character’s train of thought until I reread it a few times. I still don’t know exactly what happening, and that’s okay because I assume you’ll fill me in on subsequent pages, but I do need to feel like I understand what she’s thinking a little better or I won’t want to turn the page. The voice is compelling when I hear it, like in the sentence “Why are the weird ones so yummy?”, but I think you need to let it shine through a more. I think you have an intriguing start, it just needs to be simplified.


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