Tuesday, July 13, 2010

5 #13 M. Bites Editor: Sangay Glass

It would probably be helpful to know a tiny bit about the Arcanom story because it is a fantasy :D

In a war against a sorcerers, gifted young mages must be summoned against their will to become soldiers at an academy of magic.

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Yeah, it was gross, but with only seconds to spare Allix had no choice. Without hesitation she plunged her fist into the toilet bowl and waited.

Soon bubbles escaped from the tiny vents in her clamped hand, and the cool water quickly heated to a simmer, making the experiment a major fail on an epic scale.

Despite her best effort, the hand would heat up, the vision would come, then god knows what. At least this time nothing would get burned.

5 comments:

  1. I love the premise of your story! It sounds like it hits so many great notes for fantasy readers-magic and free will and a school setting etc.

    The first two lines definitely grabbed my attention, lol. I would suggest taking out [without hesitation]- we can all relate to hesitation when it comes to toilet bowls.

    However I got really, really confused with the next sentences. It took me several readings to realize that she was trying to cool her hand down.
    I think this is because I didn't realize her hand was getting hot before she stuck it in the toilet bowl. (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence, lol). What I would suggest is that you show Allix's sensations of warmth or tingling or whatever she gets, then looking around desperately for water, spotting the toilet bowl, hesitating, and then plunging her hand in. With that sequence more clear for the reader- I think the last two sentences are perfect.
    Good luck- this sounds like a fun, exciting read!
    Maurissa

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  2. I love the name Allix! I have a "thing" for unusual names (as long as they're not excruciatingly long and complex). I also liked the first 2 sentences, very catchy. I think one simple sentence added after the first sentence would accomplish what Maurissa has suggested, a simple "Her hand was heating up fast" or some such. Or maybe you can tweak the next trio of sentences to explain the heat bit. Otherwise, we're not sure WHY the toilet bowl is heating up; it's not totally obvious it's her hand that's doing the simmering at first read. Like...maybe the toilet heats water normally for all I knew; it IS a fantasy. LOL

    Oh, and are the "tiny vents" just the cracks in a hand when it's a fist, or are there literal tiny vents in her hand? I also like "major fail on an epic scale," though I have to admit it's a little distracting that fail and scale rhyme. I can't put my finger on it, but something about the last 2 sentences feels "off," whether it's the tense, (?) or the feel of distance (the fact that it hasn't happened yet--or is she just assuming that it will happen, or will it/does it actually happen that way?)

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  3. Thanks so much! I'm already getting ideas how to fix this. Thanks again!

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  4. I think Maurissa's and Carol's comments are spot on. You definitely captured my attention with Allix's quirky voice. I do so love a quirky voice ;) Great job!

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  5. Thanks!

    lol... my co-writer on this is a comic book creator so, there are some definitely quirky characters and goings on.

    While it has moments as dark as Pan's Labyrinth, it's balanced with some Pirates of the Caribbean and even Shrek type humor:)

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