Tuesday, July 13, 2010

3 #10 Robyn Campbell (MG Adevnture)

Anna threw open the barn door and smiled at Fancy, who stamped her foot and stuck her head over the stall opening. Her mane trembled with excitement and Anna's hands began to tingle.

Oh, how she loved Fancy's hay-fresh breath and their usual early morning quest to outstare each other.

Anna jabbed her boots into the dirt, determined to win. Fancy tensed her muscles, and swished her long tail.

3 comments:

  1. I think with a horse story, you have the immediate attention of horse lovers everywhere! You also have great active verbs here--threw, stamped, stuck, trembled, jabbed, tensed, and swished. Good job there. I have trouble imagining a horse's breath as "hay-fresh" but then I've never been around horses to know if their breath stinks or not. LOL On the other hand, if Anna owns a horse, this is from her viewpoint, and a horse lover would probably describe it that way!

    I think the conflict is whatever they are going to "win" together, hence the excitement and trembling reactions. Like is it a big race or event? OH, wait, I was imagining a more meaty conflict thus far--I didn't catch at first what she was "winning." You might want to make that more clear (unless I'm just dense). Now I see that she is determined to win the staring contest. Obviously I hope, later, you have a more pressing conflict than a horse stare-down, but so far this is a good interaction between a girl and her horse, and it shows their relationship together as well as their personalities.

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  2. This is super cute. I grew up around horses and devoured any and all horsey MGs when I was a girl.

    The only issue I have (and this is really nit-picky, mind you) is with the tingling hands. It's just not a physical reaction I associate with excitement. (Though, now that I'm thinking about it, I have used tingling hands in a few "intimate" scenes - but that's a different kind of excitement LOL.) Keep in mind this is just my humble opinion. Great job :)

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  3. Thanks Carol and Cole. There is a more pressing conflict. Anna along with her best friend go out on an endurance horseback ride in the Blue Ridge Mountains alone and they end up lost.

    I appreciate the feedback. Thinking of dropping that third sentence. =)

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