Tuesday, June 29, 2010

6 #96 Authoress

The warm rain spattered Eric’s face and dripped from his eyebrows and nose. It was the last time he’d ever feel it.

Unless, of course, they would let him outside the City sometimes. That wasn’t likely, though; he’d read enough, heard enough, to understand that life in the City was completely self-contained, sealed for everyone’s safety and happiness. Eric failed to see how anyone could be happy in a place without rain or wind or rich, dark soil.

6 comments:

  1. Ooh, I am interested already. Sounds like Fantasy (my preferred genre). Hmm. My suggestion would be to start with the last sentence. Go backward, kind of...

    Eric failed to see how anyone could be happy in a place without rain or wind or rich, dark soil. That's how it was in the city, though...

    Something like that? I'm sure you can do better, but it feels a bit stronger than the lines here. I almost felt let down, I guess. Like 'ooh, he's never going to feel the rain again, is he going to die?' and then the "unless they would let him out" brought me down. Wish I could explain that better.

    It really does sound intriguing...

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  2. “It was the last time he’d ever feel it.”

    Those are some strong words!

    Here’s my thoughts: I would consider adding something to the beginning, maybe he could relish in the falling rain for a moment? Enjoy the feeling or the smell of it, maybe he could bring his fingers to his face to wipe it away because he’s so sure it’s the last time he’ll ever feel it? I would also consider rewording the first few sentences of the second paragraph a little bit, make it more of a sure thing.


    “They weren’t going to let him outside of the City. He’d read enough, heard enough, to understand that life there was completely self-contained, sealed for everyone’s safety and happiness. Eric failed to see how anyone could be happy in a place without rain or wind or rich, dark soil.”

    Those are just my thoughts. The premise is excellent and I would definitely be interested to see where this goes.

    Leah

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  3. I like this just the way it is. Your word choices are really nice, and I'm already wondering if he's in some sort of dome or something. But how would it rain in a dome? See? I'm curious.

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  4. See how subjective this stuff is? Are you frustrated yet? Let me give you a tie breaker, possibly. I agree with everyone that this is a great beginning. I'm intrigued and want to know more.

    I like the opening sentence, but like Leah, I would like to see you add something at the beginning that's more descriptive of what he's trying to do. Is he trying to memorize the feel of the warm rain? Savor it? Drink it in? Use whatever is consistent with your voice and Eric's character. But do let us know immediately that there is something different about this rain. That leads us organically into the next sentence. Then go with Leah's suggestions on that next paragraph. That adds urgency and compels us to keep reading.

    One last thing, the word "failed" in your last sentence doesn't seem consistent with the rest of his voice, which seems less formal to me.

    Great job though!

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  5. I hope you know how strong "it was the last time he'd ever feel it" is. I DO think you have sensory details in that first sentence. What I'm wondering though, is how he FEELS. Is he relishing it?

    Immediately, I get a feel for what the story is about and that's something in just a few sentences! Strong premise. City of Ember comes to mind.

    Great job!

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  6. Awesome beginning. I agree with AICP's comment. I would like you to take the first sentence one step further but then leave everything else exactly how it is ;)

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