Tuesday, June 29, 2010

5 #93 Jenn

How does this start again? Oh right…Once Upon A Time, (notice the capital letters) there lived a king and queen of a quaint little country. It used to be vast and plentiful, but much of it was sold off to cover the king’s gambling debts as well as the queen’s fondness for golden rosebushes.

Yet for all their imperfections, selfishness, and arguments about being imperfect, these two could not love each other more.
It required too much work to try.

5 comments:

  1. Hi Jen!
    I had to jump back here and comment on this one. My daughter read the entries and this is her favorite :)
    Right away I am grabbed by the voice. I love the wry, dry humor here in the first paragraph. I am anticipating some kind of twisted fairytale.

    The last sentence was kind of cryptic- without knowing anything more about the king and queen I'm really not sure what this means. And as a reader I was a little let down by this second paragraph- Here I would rather it was about the narrator, or the main character, or a conflict, drawing me into the story. The info on the king and queen seems like it could come later.

    But the writing is just lovely- and I would keep reading for sure!

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  2. In your original, your Once Upon a Time sentence was one VERY long sentence. Good job breaking it into two, because it's much more reader-friendly now. :) I'm not sure who the main character is yet, since you're still in narration mode; hopefully, your MC gets introduced soon. I agree with the above comment that this excerpt has a compelling voice.

    I did have to re-read and re-read the last sentence for it to make sense to me (or at least I THINK I know what it says now--that they couldn't love each other more because it required too much effort to try to love each other more.) Which is amusing in a dry-humor sort of way. I think what makes the readers stumble is that we're not 100% sure what you're referring to when you say "to try." Perhaps if you could make that part more clear, that would help.

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  3. Okay, I read it differently. I LOVED the last line. But the first paragraph was what confused me. I mean, I get it (at least I think I do) but it was a little hard to jump in with. I expected the book to be about the storyteller after that anyway, but the story itself sounds interesting. By all means don't listen to me if the vast majority feel the opposite!! But, in my own opinion, I would cut "How does it start again...oh, right," part. Tough one though, especially not knowing where you are going. I would certainly keep reading though.

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  4. I think we get a lot of information in the first few lines. King and Queen seem to be flakes and the narrator sounds fun!

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  5. I love the surprise at the end of the first paragraph! It's a fun, quirky twist.

    I'd maybe try to find a variation on imperfections/imperfect so it isn't repeated in the second to the last line. I'm wondering..is this YA? I love the last line, but started to question whether a younger reader would get it.

    Fun!

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