Tuesday, June 29, 2010

8 #69 Natalie Hyde

Celia never meant to lie. And besides, it wasn’t a big lie. Really, how bad could it be to impersonate the daughter of a famous author? OK, a famous dead author.

It had all happened so quickly.


  1. I think this is interesting. It sounds like it will be fun, kinda of cute. From here I'd hope to see the MC get herself into all sorts of awkward situations.:-)

  2. I like it. Maybe cut the "and" from the beginning of the second sentence and the "really" from the third. OK should be Okay as well. Also take out the "had" to tighten the last sentence. Go through the whole manuscript and take out as many passive verbs as possible. It usually works fine just to cut them.

    I really do like it though! She sounds like quite a character.

  3. I like the voice here. I sense that maybe Celia has gotten herself into a little bit or maybe a lot of trouble with her lie.

    I cannot stress enough the importance of Lisa’s advice to cut out unnecessary passive verbs. Sneaky little buggers they are, trying to worm their way in whenever you’re not paying attention! Eliminating any of them which aren't required will make the writing stronger.

    Aside from that, great set up for the story.

  4. I really liked your start. Perhaps just delete the passive verb if possible. I'm really intrigued by how she impersonated the daughter and what mess she got herself into.

  5. Hi Natalie,

    The fun voice is immediately apparent!

    I'd cut the "and" from the beginning of the second sentence. It weakens it. I'd also considering taking out the last sentence and incorporating "dead" into the previous line just to punch it up.

    Now I want to know who the author was and why she impersonated them! Good job.

  6. Natalie, I agree with everyone else. This is a fresh, fun premise, and like Natalie, I'd love to know which author!

    Caution with deleting "had" throughout your manuscript though. In this case, deleting had brings you more immediacy and because of your first paragraph, it would still be clear that the events you are about to relate happened before the narration. Obviously don't go overboard and change past perfect tense to simple past elsewhere if it would confuse the reader about which event happened first. Do also check for passive past tense as those can almost always be changed to simple past with better effect.

  7. I love the beginning. Your ms sounds hysterical!

    My only problem is with the last line, which for me, is a bit cliche. Is there another way you could state this?

  8. Thanks to everyone for chiming in on this!

    Great suggestions and comments. It's funny, but as I posted that last sentence, I had misgivings about it. I'll do some work on it, or perhaps, as Cole suggested, change it all together.

    I think the best part about this exercise is it reminds me to examine each individual sentence for its strengths or weaknesses.

    Thanks again!



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