Tuesday, June 29, 2010

7 #53 Stephanie S.

Without a word, the guards brought her in, hard hands shoving her forward as they closed the door behind them. Axia wanted to tell them how unhappy Master Malit would be to find them rough handling his property like this but the echoes of the clanging door were already fading around her, leaving her in silence and solitude. As a born Owned, solitude was something she was used to, fighting in the arena being her only purpose.

She shrugged, loosening her shoulders and making the bones of her neck crack. Ionic energy shackles bound her wrists, their dull glow barely piercing the darkness of the cell.

7 comments:

  1. I really like where your story is going. A suggestion for your opening would be to tweak it a little. "Hard hands shoved her forward as the door closed behind them." Cutting out the extra words makes it more powerful, in my opinion.

    Then in the second sentence instead of "them" you can say "the guards" so we understand who is shoving her still. Also, the second sentence is too long...it loses me. Maybe cut it in two?

    Love the third sentence.

    The end...try taking out some of the -ing words to make it flow better. They tend to slow a story down.

    This sounds like a really interesting premise!

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  2. I agree with Holly! Your wording is good, but your sentences can run a bit long. Separate it into shorter sentences then cut any extra info (don't tell us twice). The tighter it is (especially when there is action going on), the better it will read.

    I love a good kick-butt heroine!!!

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  3. This gave me goose-bumps.

    Maybe it is just me, but when the guards shove her forward and shut the door behind them, I get a visual that they've entered the cell with her.

    Just something to consider...

    If I were to pick this up in a bookstore, it'd be coming home.

    Nice work.

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  4. Ooooh! I like this. You definitely set up a mood, which is dark. I also liked calling them a born Owned.

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  5. Almost nothing (next to dark chocolate covered pretzels) makes me happier than a strong female MC in a book. So, you had me at "...brough HER in."

    I agree with Holly about how to tighten the first sentence. I love the concept, a born Owned who apparently has to fight Gladiator style. Very interesting.

    Just a little tightening on sentence structure and you're golden!

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  6. Once again, Holly has beat me to the punch :-) Her suggestions are spot on. There are a few other tweaks you could make, like getting rid of your passive verbs.
    Example:
    Before - She shrugged, loosening her shoulders and making the bones of her neck crack.
    After - She shrugged, loosening her shoulders and cracking the bones in her neck.

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  7. I just wanted to thank you all for your comments. Very helpful.

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