Tuesday, June 29, 2010

8 #37 Bonnie Staring

He just didn’t get it.

The cute new guy in the desk next to mine kept waving at me. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but during one of Mr. Bhatia’s math tests it was a total don’t.

I risked a glance to the front of the classroom. Our teacher focused on the back row—probably eyeballing one of the delinquents who forgot it was a test day and showed up.

8 comments:

  1. I like this. I think the voice is great and I'd read on to see if she (or the cute guy) gets in trouble. And hey, why is he waving at her? lol

    Suzanne

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  2. This made me smile.
    We all want to know who the cute new guy is and why he’s waving!

    I’m sorry. I got nothing for you on this one. I think it's great the way it is… I just want to know more about the new guy.

    :-)

    Leah

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  3. Seriously. WHY IS HE WAVING?? I don't know, if I HAVE to find something to work on here, I would say it's that the first sentence is a little long (having to describe the fact that he is at the next desk) Maybe you don't have to mention where he is. We get they are in a classroom from the next sentence. Yeah, I like that! Look: The cute new guy keeps waving at me. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem...

    That flows well. I keep giving the advice to cut whatever isn't necessary and it will shine. I think it might be good advice. LOL.

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  4. I like this too! Especially since a new cute guy probably wouldn't normally wave. It makes me wonder why he's doing that! Very fun.

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  5. Thanks ladies!

    Since no one has mentioned the first line (He just didn't get it), I think it's safe for me to assume I can ditch it and focus on the cute waver. ;)

    This is a terrific opportunity, and it's amazing to see everyone else's stories develop further once the other lines appear.

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  6. Yes, I agree that you could drop the "he just didn't get it". I think the cute new guy waving is an excellent hook! Sounds interesting.

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  7. Hey there!

    You've got voice in spades! I liked it very much. Do drop the "he just didn't get it". Had I even noticed it upon first read, I would have stumbled a bit over it...

    Just a little note: Is cute guy 'right next' to her? To me..waving is a bigger movement. Is he slyly trying to get her attention during the test, or totally blowing it by waving like a maniac? :D Like...what KIND of wave is it? Just a thought...

    Overall, I'd keep reading. I mean, who passes over clueless cute guys? Not me. :)

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  8. Great job here!

    I agree with the others about dropping the first line. And the last line threw me off a bit, too. Specifically, "probably eyeballing one of the delinquents who forgot it was a test day and showed up." I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this. Is the teacher eyeing some kids that just walked through the door? Or is he still mad that some kids weren't prepared?

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