Tuesday, June 29, 2010

8 #23 Michele Shaw (revised)

Beads of sweat popped out above my lip. Not good, because Sweaty Lip Syndrome, my unofficial medical term, was the first sign I was going to fall apart. It started when the secretary interrupted my fourth period AP English class. Her voice came over the intercom in pops and squeaks when she said, "Tell Colleen Anderson she needs to leave with her mother for a dental appointment." No one knew about the ruse, that my mother was gone and my aunt, Zia, now played the part.

8 comments:

  1. My suggestion here would be to start with this "Sweaty Lip Syndrome, my unofficial medical term, was the first sign I was going to fall apart."

    I love the tone of that sentence, and it makes me want to read more.

    Also, the last sentence, could you just say "my Aunt Zia now played the part."? The way it's written now makes me have to stop and consider what's being said instead of flowing.

    Sounds interesting!

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  2. I like Holly's suggestion! I think that works well. The first line as is, isn't necessary and the second gives you so much information about the character's personality. Then I would jump to: It was the secretary's voice as it popped and squeaked over the intercom during AP English. "Colleen Anderson..." No one knew that my mother was gone and Aunt Zia was playing the part.

    Basically, just tighten it up. Ask yourself what is necessary to get the information across. For example, we get it's a ruse if no one else knows and someone is playing the part of her mother.

    Intriguing premise! I would love to see where you go with this.

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  3. Thank you so much! Great advice and I totally agree.

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  4. I completely agree with Lisa and Holly. Nothing to add except that there is a lot to love here!

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  6. I like Holly's suggestion of opening line. Also, as I read this, I get that her mother is gone but the tension isn't played up as much as it could be because we don't know if her mom's a. missing b. in jail c. at a day spa. I'm not saying you have to spill the beans right up front, but I think a little internalization from your character would help amp the tension level up.

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  7. Thank you to all for comments. I have made some changes and I'm feeling sooo much better about my opening. This has been great fun and very helpful. Always something to be learned, never too late to learn it.

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  8. I agree with Holly, I think that it’s a great idea to start with the Sweaty Lip Syndrome. I already am intrigued by the premise. I do think that things could be tightened up a bit and I also think that what the secretary says over the intercom is a little awkward, but other than those few things, I think that this could be a very strong beginning!

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