Tuesday, June 29, 2010

6 #19 Nicole Zoltack

My papers scattered everywhere, and my books fell with a loud thud. I braced my arms for impact against the cold, hard floor. Snatching my belongings, I glared at the culprit, a senior football player.

“Look at the freak.” He snickered, elbowing a friend.

6 comments:

  1. Okay, my suggestion would be to switch sentences 1 and 2.

    I braced my arms for impact against the cold, hard floor. My papers scattered...

    I think that grabs my interest faster, and reads more fluidly.

    I really like the tone here, it'd be interesting to see where it goes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I second that. Then break the now second sentence into two:

    I braced my arms for impatct against the cold, hard floor. My papers scattered. My books fell with a thud.

    Notice I omitted a couple of extraneous words as well. I think there's more punch because of the action going down.

    Sounds like a good story. I love an underdog!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is a moment that most kids fear, so it has the potential to resonate and draw them in right away. I want to keep reading to find out who the MC is and why he/she? is a freak.

    I do agree with Lisa about the sentence order and simplification. Also be careful with the next sentence, check to ensure you aren't trying to bracket a non-concurrent action into the participial phrase. Did she glare at the culprit the whole time she picked up her books and the scattered papers from everywhere? If not, then you'll need to rephrase that sentence.

    The last two sentences don't quite ring true to me. In this situation, would the football player use the complete sentence, or perhaps just say, "Freak." And the word friend strikes me as just a bit formal and vague. Perhaps identify the friend -- guy? buddy? another member of the squad? teammate?

    Hope this helps!

    Martina

    ReplyDelete
  4. The only suggestion I have to add (you've gotten great suggestions already :) ) is consider losing the word "fell". How would you feel about: My books thudded.

    This certainly looks like it's leading into a great read. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great start! I second Holly's suggestion about switching the two sentences. Very tight.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think you’ve got a great start that generates interest for the rest of the story. I agree that it could be trimmed down by eliminating unnecessary adjectives like “loud” and “cold”. Also, maybe a more powerful description of her feelings to give a sense of the fear/embarrassment/anxiety/anger that she feels.

    ReplyDelete

Tell us what you think. We'd love to hear from you! :)